“Love yourself so that you may know how to live with self-respect,”
Oh teabags, how inspiring your quotes can be.
Well, I guess Happy New Year everyone, as if a lot of people aren’t already saying it.
I started the new year out with b/ping about 16 times (maybe more, who knows), whoopdedoo. I can’t say that I really care either, like I wan’t to, I just don’t. I have this weird feeling that 2020 is the year that I die but maybe thats just the hormones. At least all the holidays are finally fucking over.
Also started the year by being turned down for another job, I really forget how much I suck till I start looking for employment elsewhere.
I have my follow up appointment with my doctor at four today. I am not sure what to really tell her, like if all this shit is withdrawals then she can’t really do anything other then to tell me to wait it out. No bleeding today though so that is nice. Damn, talk about severe depression the past couple days. I just can’t even seem to care about living, what’s dumb is I will probably be getting a high soon.
I have a cousin who gave her kid up for adoption last Fall, she’s not doing well at all. I reached out a couple weeks ago hoping to be somewhat helpful, I failed pretty miserably lol, in fact I think she made me feel kinda worst, not intentionally. I think she blames me partly because I told her when she was considering adoption that her child would be better off, which he is. I always figured kids being better off was better than the birth moms being better off. I think she feels sort of tricked even though she has said he has a much better future. In my mind a kid who has a brighter future out ranks a fucked up birth mom who will probably wind up killing herself. Let’s face it, the suicide rate among natives is the highest rate in the country. Although I think with my cousin its most likely going to be drug overdose. I don’t think she is really into anything yet but she is definitely drunk all the time and her mom is an addict, a lot of our family is. I have disassociated myself with them but she is surrounded by them. Her mom tries to comfort her by saying she knows what its like to lose a child because her child was lost to SIDS. I mean, it had nothing to do with her shooting up and not feeding or changing her newborn for days. It’s cheaper to say SIDS than to investigate. Anyways, I do not think I will be reaching out to her for awhile. She is a lost cause honestly. My other cousin, her brother, lives in town too I guess, he is just getting out of a halfway house. He has been trying to reach out to me but I do not get mixed up with extended family. Reaching out to his sister was the first time I really have since my grandma died a while back and obviously that didn’t go well. I am glad he is sober though.
I suppose I should do the whole resolution thing, even though I have never liked it. Here goes…
New Years Resolutions- goal is 80% success rate
1.Get completely out of debt, this is honestly a very possible dream, other than student loans. I can attempt to have the consolidation loan paid off early and get the rest of the debts in order, just need that second job, it will happen. My friend says if I wish it and see it than it will come true.
2. Lose 40-50 lbs. I know that this should not be a thing with someone whom has a history of bulimia but I also know that being obese at this point with the recovery weight gain is not healthy either. I really don’t think the bulimia should even be an issue, it didn’t start back up again until my hormones changed.
3. Go to the gym, woooo cliche’s! Having a sit down job my body is honestly not handling it well. I feel myself getting weaker everyday. I hate having a sitting job.
4. Stay sober for a year? Technically thats not a resolution as I have been sober since September 14th. I hate a big chunk of it too. I think birth-moms are meant to drink lol. Drink and die off because we are obviously just pieces of shit.
5. Skydiving? Although a part of me is too chicken to do this now, I think it would still be a good thing.
6. Stop fucking vomiting, although for how long? I will put 11/12 months.
7. Stick with meditation, drawing, writing, reading, all the shit I enjoy. I need more stones and extracts.
8. Make a million dollars, because why not? I am allowed a 20% failure rate. And with that I will put a savings account, hit two birds with one stone.
9. Eat healthy, ummm…majority of the year….
10. I don’t know, love myself or some dumb shit.
My mood has shifted….
I need to donate plasma today. It’s kind of shit being poor, granted I know I am not. I have security, reliability, and necessities, just at what point does one stop being poor to be able to afford that? I suppose the answer fluctuates with the economy. Oh gawd its election year, ugh. Maybe I really will die this year. It sucks being brown in a country where it means your from Mexico and if you aren’t then it means you are scum from a reservation. Is there any place where racism does not exist? I know we are supposed to be the “best country in the world,” and the only “free country,” or some bullshit. That’s sad if its true though.
I need a refill on my coffee. Goodbye peeps, I have to somehow find the energy to last this day.
Oh yes, and if you are wondering how someone becomes a dramatic screw up, here ya go 😀