Unbreakable Kitten

Yesterday

Well, a few things have happened since I last posted, nothing overly bad I don’t think. I had a really good weekend with my daughter and her parents, we took her to a Halloween even for kids at the zoo. My daughter was able to dress up in her Minnie Mouse costume and go get free candy and food. It was a gorgeous day out too. Bailey played in daycare with his friends, it was just nice. That night though I started feeling really off. I felt like I weighed a ton, was feverish, body aches, all the wonderful works of a stomach bug. Yesterday though it changed, like my fever was gone, body aches pretty much gone, I should have been feeling fine, but I could barely move because of my left side. I think I have mentioned having a left stomach pains when I wake up before. When I had my wellness checkup this past summer my primary wanted to wait a bit and see if the pain went away, they never did. I know a few weeks ago I wanted to make an appointment to get it checked out again but my doctor is on mat leave. Last night hurt bad enough I went to the walk in though. My blood tests came back abnormal, but I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning to hopefully see what is inflamed. The doctor thinks it is either the pancreas or small intestine, hard to tell which until the imaging is back, but definitely chronic. I do not think its the stomach because I keep food down fine, it just has been going straight through me though, or making me painfully bloated. There is no acid reflux or heartburn. I think its just another way I have fucked my body up. So now I just wait, whoop deee doo.

On another note, I have an interview for a part time position at the grocery store next door. They pay fairly decent, I am just hoping they can work with my schedule. Who knows, maybe I will enjoy it and it will be a long term thing. I know what my goal are now so it will make it easier to handle being tired.

Goals

1. Get caught up on current past due bills

2. Pay off current debt I racked up on my recent manic spree

3. Pay off anything in collections, mainly hospital bills but maybe I can talk them down when I am ready to pay

4. Pay off the stupid consolidation loan

And hopefully I will have time to do this before student loans come and hit me. Oh Kateri, why do you continue to do this to yourself? Why have you let the world fuck you up so much. Don’t you know there are children brutally tortured to death?

Despite my tummy issues I am still eating fine, there’s no guilt or anything. I am just eating when hungry or when I feel my tummy can handle it, tonight its feeling better.

Today

So that was yesterday, I was blogging on lunch and a friend came to sit down so I did not really have time to write anymore till now. So this friend, remember that guy I went on a couple dates with like last fall or winter? The one who I said was a good kisser but said he couldn’t see me because of my cats? Yeah that one I guess is my friend now at the bank. I guess we have partial lunches together like once a week maybe, yesterday was a full though. I actually was not wanting to see him, one partially because I was wanting to blog, but two because my feelings towards him are confusing. He was not in the lunchroom when I got there but than he soon came in. I thought maybe he was worried about how I was doing but instead he just started talking about his family’s Christmas plans in Florida, which I am sure it will be nice to get away because he lost his brother this past year. He likes to talk about himself a lot but I don’t mind that, it takes my thoughts off of myself. He’s nice though, pretty distant ironically, and I still am not sure if he is even a good friend, not that he’s like a hurtful person or anything, he’s just ghosted me once already because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings when I invited him to IT Part 2 and he had other plans for the day and didn’t want to do a group activity. I feel like the ghosting me and not even responding was probably more hurtful than just saying he already had plans but what do I know about being a good friend lol. So yeah, its just things like that, which can be exhausting to think about in my already overpopulated mind, thus why I was hoping to spend my lunch alone but at the same time I still enjoyed his company.

I do not think I mentioned an herbal extract I am taking. It’s “Good Mood” by Herb Pharma, organic and no unknown ingredients, just literally the plants. I feel it working very well, along with my crystals I feel at zen today. I am very tired today though, I had my ultrasound early this morning. With the results from that and my blood work the doctor said she recommends I follow up with my doctor as there is no real urgent situation, so I suppose that is good, but is more likely that its chronic. I am thinking intestinal, which I suppose I can work with that. It’s just dietary than. I think I will end up getting a flu shot though, just because if a small stomach bug was able to flare up whatever I have like it did than the last thing I want is a flare up during a flu.

My eating is normal, honestly I don’t even really think about it, I just eat I guess. I suppose though when I was having my mini relapse it wasn’t even about weight, it was just a stress coping mechanism. Maybe that is why I am able to bounce back to normal again. This time though I have found things I enjoy.

I think life is just weird. Like what determines where we get placed in life? Sure choices are our freedom but who or what decides what we are born into? Is it just chance? Fate? A god? Do we have multiple lives where some of us excruciatingly suffer? Have we all been born into riches? I am thinking maybe I have schizophrenia. How funny would it be if this was all their was and human kind has spent this life on surviving capitalism and war.

I do not really have anything to say I guess today. I am just existing right now I think. Existing, surviving, cant afford to live lol. Have a good evening everyone, I will just finish up my lunch and go back to work like a good American worker. Good night.