I have been listening to a lot of Ayumi Hamasaki lately, k-pop and j-pop in general actually. It reminds me of more simpler times, a bit more innocent and when I had high hopes and dreams for myself. I haven’t listened to much of it since I was in my teens to lower twenties. I felt like I could do anything back than. Like I could accomplish anything I wanted and all my dreams would come true. It’s kind of funny and sickening how naive I was back than. I wanted what any stupid girl wanted, the fairy tale life of meeting the perfect man, falling in love, having an extravagant wedding, having my own home, a man who would love me and buy me presents, and just living happily ever after. Damn how much have I changed. I have learned that most men are just womanizing pigs who cheat, but so are women. I have to make it on my own, there is no man who is there to be a knight in shining armor for me, and honestly if there was it probably wouldn’t work out at this point, I would feel suffocated. I am so far gone from the innocent girl that I was. I imagine it to be like a dog who has been kicked too many times, sure they can love an owner but they are still broken so to say. I can’t be taken care of except by myself.
Well, I think I have made the decision to withdraw from school. I am overwhelmed these days on a constant basis and I honestly don’t know what for. I finished up my associates and that was my main goal, but I have no idea what I want to major in at this point. I am sacrificing work and school for work and school and for what? A degree in Ethics that is pointless on its own? The bank however has many opportunities without degrees. They take pride in teaching people the in’s and out’s and providing them with opportunities to grow without degrees. We have management who don’t have degrees, they have just worked themselves up.
What is sad is I make more than some teachers with degrees in the area and I hear so often people saying their degrees went to waste because they do nothing in the field that they wanted. I wanted to finish up my associates and I did that, I wanted a career where I could grow and I have that, my next goal is to get financially stable and I am on my way there. I could honestly switch school for a part time job and still have more rest at this point because every morning is spent in class where as part time would only be 2-3 mornings a week.
Does it make sense to hurt my career for an education that could be useless, and with the way I am headed, will be? I do not have time for myself and isn’t that where healthy coping mechanisms are found? In myself? I am discovering drawing again and I haven’t drawn in years. I am finding the beauty in music and am seeing the music in my head again and that has been years as well since that has happened. I am wanting to blog more because it is therapeutic for me. I want to spend more time with my pup and kitties. I will probably be able to see my daughter a little bit more too. I want to promote my book more and be that hope for others.
I am not sure how broken I am but I know my mind can only handle so much. I feel like a lot of this disorder is acceptance. I accept that I will always be fighting with myself, I accept that I can never get too excited and happy because than I become off balance and hit a major low, I accept that I will always want to fool myself into wanting drinks in stressful times or to purge, I accept I will not be able to be interested in one subject long enough to make a long term goal out of in terms of education, and I guess now I accept that my mind cannot handle as much as a healthy one.
My life has to have balance. Maybe in the future I will want to go back to school, after a year the bank offers tuition reimbursement, and with that I don’t have to be full time, I could just take a class. I cannot take just a class however with my scholarships, I have to be full time. It was fun though. I am not a failure, I have done my goals, now I need to follow the path that will lead me to success.
I have been having terrible tummy pains after I eat. I am wondering how much of this is because I am trying to stop the purging. I imagine my tummy to be paper thin by this point. I have read that maybe it could be not enough stomach acid to break down food so I am trying an apple cider vinegar mixture to help as I have read that does wonderful things for the tummy. I have been doing fairly well on controlling the purging I guess, I think it will get a lot better now. I have never been able to focus on myself, like I have had goals such as bills and school to achieve, getting a new safe apartment, getting a safe car, having nice clothes and presenting myself well, getting over the drinking and purging, but there has never been that self insight that I have worked on, such as drawing. This life seems so pointless and meaningless but I also don’t have much enjoyments other than hockey and my daughter. Now I can work on developing more.
Well, I suppose that is all I have today. I am pretty tired but have to get going to work soon. It’s kinda a bummer post I suppose but I am also kinda relieved in a way. I don’t do well on lack of sleep. Have a good evening everyone, be good to yourselves.