I finally had my visions again, it has been years. So now I am drawing a picture for my daughter for her birthday next month.
Am I capable of being content long term or even happy? I know I don’t like my life right now, if I had more money sure and more time to sleep, but I pick up overtime and am exhausted or money goes to bills. I am so lost in this life. I guess it’s normal though, unless someone is born with money or marries someone who makes a lot of money than they are just stuck like me. It’s not often that someone can build themselves up enough to be financially great when they are born into nothing. I had so much determination but now I am just bored of it all and see no end in sight or even any hope for that matter. Sure I love philosophy, but its a worthless major unless paired with something. This life is so pointless, there should be more than this but I feel like capitalism has ruined much of that. Hmm…I am not sure if this is a depression, I do not think so even though it is similar symptoms. I think it is just a normal part of figuring life out while running on little sleep. There’s not really any anxiety lately, nor is there any thoughts of dying, sadness, or anything that would be classified with depression, just a lot of boredom. That boredom though is what gets me, this repetition, I get so bored. I have been debating on applying for a dispatching job but I am trying to ask myself how much am I wanting to switch jobs because I am bored of this repetition and am losing sight of my goals. Hockey will start soon so maybe that will help.
I think its been three weeks now since I drank, I am still not sure lol, it feels like it never existed. I do not think my sense of time will ever return. It’s kinda weird to not have a past, at least not one that I really remember anymore, like I remember but I don’t, I feel like at this point I am just living off memories in my book. I will occasionally have random flash backs but nothing major or important, mainly with scents I think. Otherwise none of it feels like it’s me, I feel like I am reading about someone else. So I don’t have long term memories, I mainly have memories of the past couple years, but those get really messed up in terms of time frames, I mainly remember the good ones with my daughter and her family.
My purging has been a bit shitty, none today though, I am getting past this part, I have to. My tummy has been so fucked up though. I am not sure how much its a bug going around versus trying to keep food down again, well…it cant be worst than the last recover right? Lol.
Has anyone ever heard of sword and scale? I have to say this podcast has definitely made me look at life differently. I have always known humans could be plain evil for obvious reasons but this podcast just brought a whole new meaning. I also like the episodes where abuse victims speak out about their childhood, especially men. Not much is ever heard of male molestations. I have read that the true stats for male molestations could be just as high as female, but females already have a hard time coming out because “all we want is attention” and for males its not just attention, its their “man-hood?” Like men are supposed to want sex and sex makes them a man so I guess its harder to take seriously or something, idk. Anyways, listening to pedophile cannibalism, serial killers, extremely detailed crimes, and any form of non-sexual childhood abuse, it definitely makes me happy I had the childhood I did, granted I shouldn’t be happy about it, but it could have been so much worst. Also I know there is no measure to suffering, but at least I didn’t have my vag cut up.
Well, I have to get going to work, sorry if this seems rushed, I just wanted to give my readers an update. I am trying to get back to blogging. I know it is good therapy. I fight with myself too much and run out of time. Have a good evening everyone. Keep your heads up. 🙂