Hey peeps. It’s been awhile eh? I seem to always leave you hanging, sorry about that. Well, once again I have gone through another change, funny how that is…I blame the BPD. Although I don’t know if it’s actually a change, maybe just a realization. I mean, obviously we know I am an alcoholic, I just realize now how much of one. I have definitely made all the choices of an alcoholic, denial, acceptance, denial, excuses, denial, it’s actually a fairly classic path. I knew it would make the binging and purging come back, and it did. I am very self aware in knowing myself, it’s a gift and curse, it’s like I am always fighting with myself. I can’t really fight about myself with this anymore though. I tried buying small serving bottles of wine to limit myself, I would always drink them all. I tried buying low alcoholic beverages like white claws, I would drink 12 of them. There are no limitations with alcohol, and the funny thing I don’t even enjoy it. I always thought it shut off my brain but it really doesn’t, alternative sources have helped me realize what true relaxation and peace is.
It has been over weeks now I think since I drank. I honestly cannot really remember. I feel like it was around the 14th? My mind sucks, I do not think I will ever get it back. I feel good though. I do not miss it. The purging got bad for a couple days there as I knew it would. That is fairly under control, as in it’s not something I feel the need to do. Funny thing is lately I have actually been liking my body. Like sure I can’t see all my bones anymore but that’s okay, I didn’t like being that skinny. It hurt and was gross. Anyways, I do not have cravings to drink, it is very easy to say no thanks. Turns out I do not like feeling like shit all the time. What is funny is I did not even realize how much shit I felt like until it was all out of my system and than I went back. There is a disdain for who I am on alcohol. I am not brave like I always thought, not more outgoing, not more confident, I was just lonely, stupid, weak, unconfident, I was just masking all my insecurities. It is funny how easy and fast it is to deal with insecurities once you accept that you have them.
School is going fairly good now. I switched up my classes a couple weeks back, lets just say no way am I going into business, it is SO BORING. I am now taking three philosophy classes and a terrorism class. I feel very much at home but I find it ironic that I find a subject that I am finally fully interested in it’s worth practically nothing in terms of a career unless double majored, so now I have to find something else I am interested in. It’s taken ten fricken years to find an interest, so I do not know what exact direction I will be going in from here. Terrorism is fairly interesting but I don’t know what good a degree in political science will do if I don’t want to go into law. There is some fear that nothing will ever suit me since I don’t know who I will be tomorrow.
They say crazy people don’t know they are crazy, but shit, sometimes its knowing that we are is what makes us crazy.
I am still trying to survive financially. I need to stop having manic episodes, like sure I caught the one early on last time but when you live paycheck to paycheck, a few hundred dollar spending spree hurts. I know this is something I will always have, I just hope one day I can afford it. It’s like I have to be able to afford having my mental disorder.
My daughter was pretty pissed at me this weekend. I felt really bad. Friday night she didn’t want much to do with me and Saturday I was trying to play fetch with her with Bailey. She got so mad at me for throwing the ball. I couldn’t understand it and she said she didn’t want me to play with her anymore and to go away and was just screaming at me. I didn’t know a toddler could make me cry lol. When I calmed her down we had a heart to heart, pretty much I think she misses me and doesn’t understand the new change of schedule. I used to be over almost everyday when I worked 7-4 M-F. Now that I work 330-Midnight Sun-Thurs, and am in class M-F mornings, she really doesn’t see me much except for Friday evenings and Saturdays. The Saturday before last was when I had my girls day out with her mom and last Saturday we saw a 4pm showing of IT Part II, so that is pretty much three weeks without time spent together. So yeah, she was pretty pissed off at me, also I think she was really Hangry, but still, it made me realize how close she is to me and needs me around. So next Saturday I am not doing any OT (I have also been picking up hours the past couple weeks for OT on Saturday mornings) and am making it all about her. I will also try to FaceTime her a couple evenings a week on break at work. I have to do better and show her that she is still my heart.
Life is hard, life is a struggle of fuckery hell for some of us, I am an alcoholic but I also realize this so I can fix it. I am smart and a college student, I am poor bitch though. I don’t know, life is life.
I had better get to class, have a good day everyone, be good to yourselves. 🙂 Peace.