To be honest, I never wanted it to burn

I mean, I did

But not in the way it is now

You see, when you are being fucked as a child, a small innocent two year old, you want it all gone. I always thought I wanted it to burn, but now that it is, it’s the saddest mixed emotions. My childhood home, Alaska, is literally on fire. I see friends who are dealing with the smoke and losing everything they have to fire. It’s not what I wanted while it is. Life can be ironic.

The sky is overcast today with a cool breeze. I enjoy this weather. There has been too much sun lately, it gets exhausting to have too many nice days. They aren’t as enjoyable when there are too many of them. I wish it would rain though, like a nice steady rain. Lately when it rains it feels like a hurricane, no joke, sure I live in North Dakota but our winds will get up to 80 mph with absolute downpour. That is far from relaxing.

School starts this week. I feel kind of nervous for on campus classes. I feel old to be in class but I am sure I will find others my age too. I switched my classes around a bit. I am not comfortable taking 15 credits while working full time, at least not right away since I haven’t taken classes on campus for over a decade. I want to be able to try and socialize a bit. So now I am taking Intro to Entrepreneurship, Accounting, Statistics, and Environmental Ethics. I wanted a class I could look forward to and I knew I would enjoy Environmental Ethics, I am also hoping it will help with joining the environmental club. I am still a full time student with 12 credits, I have to be to stay on scholarship and grants.

I cant say I have been great. I was on a high for awhile there, I honestly believe it was real. I know I can accomplish great things. It’s scary to know you have that much strength and power in you. Scary enough that you need to find any reason to be weak. So I found a reason that honestly wasn’t a reason at all but just an excuse and self vomited. There was no reason with fearing weight gain but all centered around familiarity. When I went to the store last night I mindlessly bought chips, cheese, and liquor. I did the same old same old but the emotions weren’t there. The feel good wasn’t there. I felt like I was just watching myself from the outside, studying myself. Have you ever experienced that? It’s a weird moment of understanding. It’s like an ending because now I know how I look. I saw myself.

Work has been going great but I decided to get sick last week. I am still dealing with the remainder of it. I had a bad migraine with a cold and possible sinus infection. I am pretty sure I was close to bronchitis with how raw my lungs felt. DayQuil and NyQuil work amazing. I am so thankful to have sick leave but I still plan on working OT next weekend since there’s a good chance it will be available. I have really good managers who are very into personal development and growth. I am thankful for my job. I still feel a bit animosity against my previous workplace. It’s weird when you want a founder to accomplish his dream because it will literally save hundreds of thousands of lives but you want a shitty manager to fail because he’s just that shitty. I am sure that will go away over time.

I am not sure why I blogged. I know I keep saying I want to get back into it again, but life has been fairly blah and blerg. Maybe now that school is starting I will have more to blog about. We will see. I had better go shower and get ready for work. Bailey has an ear infection. I hope he doesn’t need to go to the vet. I am trying some ear mite ointment with aloe for it. I am reading apple cider can really help. Well, I had better get going. Have a good day everyone. Be good to yourselves.

Published by Unbreakable Kitten

Headed East towards the horizon

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