Unbreakable Kitten

If you are lucky, you  have experienced the feeling of invincibility based on your own success, and overwhelming happiness, not based on anyone around you, but from yourself. I do not think many people experience this, not with the rate depression and substance abuse are increasing. Many people just go on with life saying it is what it is and just accept the negative areas of their lives and themselves, after all, if your 75 percent happy, than aren’t you happy? But what about the other 25%? It’s the smallest weakness that can be our downfall.

I am invincible. All I am going to do is keep going up in the world, I am going to be so successful, I have been feeling this for awhile now so I know it’s not another manic mood.

It’s different. 

I am done with this summer semester which means I officially have my associates degree. There is no summer graduation but I will be getting my diploma in the mail. I can walk in the Fall graduation ceremony if I would like but I don’t think I will, it will be too old than haha.

I am all signed up for classes at NDSU. I have switched my major back to business management. The reasoning for this is simple, I want to make a lot of money and I no longer care to be my own patient. I will be taking Accounting I, Business Computers (again), Business Mathematics, Macroeconomics, and Intro to Entrepreneurship. I am also hoping to join the environmental club.

Also, this will go great with my new career at a large bank here! I just started this past Monday and I am really enjoying it. I am a case processer (I think?….so many similar names and areas) but pretty much I deal with EFTs and reversing fees for disputes. There is so much room to grow. On my second day my trainer told my managers she guarantees I will be a team lead. She told me there are things I am getting that have taken others months to understand. I know I am smart and I know I am only going to keep on going higher.

I am weak though because I have weaknesses. Those weaknesses can be my downfall and they are alcohol and bulimia. I wish I could say I was sober for a month but I wasn’t, three days of drinking, not in a row but still. The first drink, guilt and not enjoyed; the second drink, guilt, embarrassment, anger, not enjoyed; third drink, relaxing, happy, comfortable, but still not enjoyed; every day after though, felt like shit mentally, physically, and emotionally, even though it wasn’t much at all for me.

I have prided myself on being able to say since I no longer purge I am not bulimic. The thing though is it is still so easy to do and because of that I am mentally bulimic. You know how I have needed those times of smoking a cigarette to know how much I hate it? Well I really wanted a drink, craved a drink, told myself I was so invincible but I also knew I would not enjoy it, so I purged and it was so easy, too easy. And right than is when I threw away the junk food I bought and the remainder of my wine glasses, the only items I had left relating to alcohol.

As long as I have mental weakness I cannot be successful. I have a psychiatry session set up for August 8th, its just an intro session and therapy set up for September 11th.  I never made it to addictions in psychology, that would have all been next semester. I can recover from bulimia easily because I have studied it for years and spent a year of self therapy by blogging as well as a couple hypnotherapy sessions. I know nothing of alcoholism recovery though. I mean, I know my own mind and know how it can be my worst enemy and instigator, but I don’t know coping mechanisms to deal with it. I don’t really feel like wasting time taking more classes in psychology just to be my own therapist, I would rather take classes that will give me a career I enjoy. So, I guess we will see how that goes.

It is weird though to feel like shit, not like tired shit, but like shit that you used to feel due to bad habits but than forgot. I am glad I will never experience that again. 

I am an alcoholic who doesn’t like the feeling of alcohol but whos mind convinces her she does, how does that make sense….

I am a bulimic who doesn’t binge or purge but whos mind will try to convince her she will be ok if she does…

I am invincible but also vulnerable because of my weaknesses.

I have everything I need and whatever I want I will eventually acquire.

I am so different than the girl who started blogging a year ago, but I can be, but I don’t want to be.

I want the success I so rightly deserve and I will obtain it.