I think the worst part about getting sober is the possibility that maybe I am just permanently screwed up and emotionally unstable. Like when I was bulimic I could always just blame instability on hormones, when I was a teenager I could blame it on my childhood abuse, as I got older I could blame it on alcohol…but what if I take all those out of the picture and I still have issues? What if there are parts of me that just can’t be fixed?
Today started out as really good, I felt pretty good this morning. I sold my kitchen-aid right away so I got out of my financial bind, I donated plasma, I went to Walmart and was able to get the boys their food and even treated myself with cheeseburgers (no bun) and olives to make at home. I bought some big sheets of paper to start drawing on and nail polish. I didn’t get anything too expensive, after all I am still playing catch up. I am not sure what to draw but I figure that would be a good sober thing to do.
I don’t know what happened. I started making my cheeseburgers and playing with the boys and the sky started getting very hazy. It turns out there are some pretty big fires in Canada burning that the wind brought downward to us and it just sort of settled on the city. When my cheeseburgers were done all I could think while eating them is how great a beer would be with them. My mind started trying to make excuses, like whats ONE beer gonna hurt? I didn’t have one but the craving became pretty bad for awhile. Instead I mixed some Mio in with a La Croix so I could get the fizz. That made me want to mix some vodka in like UV or Smirnoff, I didn’t. Maybe that was the start of it, I don’t know. After I ate I just felt really off, like I just wanted a drink. I turned on a movie and started looking up more about the fires in Canada, but then that brought me to the two big earthquakes that happened in California. Than than made me think of an article I read about climate change causing earthquakes because theres more liquid in the earths crust and that spun me off to our politicians barely giving a shit and how it feels like Americans can’t look past their backyards to all thats happening in the world and that led me onto a feeling of hopelessness and searching up even more repercussions of pollution. So…from like maybe 2-3pm on to 6 (?) I was on a hard roll of despair. My daughters mom couldn’t get me out of it. I ended up taking a very cold shower so I could start breathing again. I really hope these low points are just the results of detoxing. Haha, hello, my name is Kateri and I am an alcoholic who’s body is craving any substance, even drugs that it’s never done. Oh screw all you toxic needs, get over yourself.
Tonight I feel like someone knocked the air out of me. Well…day five is about done, I just want to have a full day of stability and sanity for once in my life, I just want a day of no dependance or self harm. Maybe tomorrow.
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