I have known I was an alcoholic for a long time, probably since my lower twenties and questioned it after every party. At least than I still drank for the good time. When I wanted to go sober for a month a year ago I knew by than I was an alcoholic and had repeatedly been telling myself that all year. I don’t like failing and to admit I was an alcoholic before I was ready to quit meant failing. If I didn’t have that moment where I woke up and said I was done I would have gone back. And to fail and drink again meant shame. I don’t handle shame that well…normally I just drink it away….so we can see how a chain reaction would occur.
A year ago I said I was going to be done with bulimia and drinking but no one can stop addictions without understanding why they exist otherwise there will always be something else that feeds whats underneath. People can stop being bulimic but than become anorexic, or they can go the other way and eat everything in sight. There shouldn’t have to be such restraint on ones life if they are at peace with themselves. Saying that, I do not think not drinking is a restraint but alcohol itself is the restraint. Now I just have to relearn how to live because living is something I have never done.
In a way the freedom feels overwhelming. What do I do? I can start my art again, I can learn to cook more chef worthy meals because I love cooking, I can get in shape at the gym, I can enjoy long walks with my pup, I can save money, I can buy nice clothes, I can get my nails done, I can decide I want to go camping on a weekend somewhere, I feel like a prisoner being set free in a world that I don’t recognize.
I feel exhausted today. Like not sleep tired but my body feels like it has been hit by a bus. According to my sleep monitor I didn’t sleep that well. I was pretty active yesterday though so that could be contributing but I know its mainly my body going through a lot internally with recovery. I recall being exhausted last year as well. My hair is feeling better, I buy expensive shampoo and conditioner to deal with the effects of alcohol but even those were starting to not work
For some reason knowing I am done is actually less stressful. I remember last year when trying to stop for a month I still stressed about what I could drink on low carb and what I could drink at hockey games and what would be too much and if I would have enough money for drinks plus I had wine decor all around me. Addiction is weird…I am more at peace knowing I can never have liquor again than when I just wanted to take a break.
I notice I am having a lot of twitch like movements, like I need to always move, it’s not really shakes though, just constantly having to move, even if its my fingers. I don’t have cravings though. I am feeling music more.
Trying to figure out finances and getting billing in order for my new job I am realizing how close I was to losing so much. Like…I am just having to sell some things to stay on track this month but damn…where the fuck did all my money go? Oh yeah, binging and drinking. Although I was drinking the same amount as my worst a year ago, but shit, I was keeping it all down this time because I didn’t purge, fuuuuuuck. I would have lost my friends too, I know that. Honestly eventually I would have not been a good influence around my daughter either.
I am really curious to know how I will be once I am fully detoxed. I have always had some sort of chaos from the time I was in my birthmothers womb, until now. The past is fully understood and accepted, the bulimia is gone, and eventually so will the alcohol, I have never had internal and external stability. I have never had real freedom.