Unbreakable Kitten

Whats a life without drinking? Shit…I feel like I wrote this a year ago.

Damn, I am such a broken record, but as my best friend said, only because I don’t ever give up.

A year ago I wanted to blog about being sober for a month, I didn’t make it. I fooled myself and when I had any feelings of guilt I drank them away. I told myself it was just one, just two, just three, than after awhile just said fuck it why not a bottle, why not a bottle and some beers, why not two bottles and some beers…I can’t stay sober for a month, no, I just have to plain stay sober, because I am an alcoholic. No, I don’t need rehab, I’m just done.

Its a relieving feeling when all the puzzle pieces come together. For the first time in my life I know everything will be okay, I have never felt that assurance before. My body is still full of poison but my mind feels more at peace than it ever has before. The recruiter was the last puzzle piece and the reason I couldn’t pinpoint where the darkness was is because it was in my mind. How could I heal from the past if I couldn’t understand it? Healing starts with accepting but you need to understand something to accept it. Everything makes sense now. It’s an overwhelming happy feeling to be free, but also a very sad feeling to know how much pain you have caused loved ones.

I’m having some shakes, nothing bad, I’ve had a lot worst. I got a primary doctor set up yesterday, that was fun, ya know, just flat laid out my history. It’s weird being seven months bulimia free. She listened closely and ordered a comprehensive metabolic panel ,vitamin b12, folate, serum , magnesium, pap, liquid based and a hemogram blood work. I only have gotten the hemogram back, everything fell within normal ranges but my platelet count was on the higher end of normal. I need to know if I have caused my body any permanent damage.

It was kind of funny after all the tests were done she asked if there was anything else I needed to add about my medical history, I told her I think that was enough LOL, she laughed with me though. I was very detailed.

I think my magnesium may come back out of range, I get muscle cramps a lot. I could see my B12 being off at times too, my breathing is really shallow after I drink. Its like I have to take deeper breaths to get oxygen flowing to get up. I’ve been having more stomach pains in the morning, I thought maybe it was lasting effects from the bulimia but when she felt around and had me take deep breaths it was around my liver and gallbladder region that there was pain. Sooo…I guess I am just waiting to see what the results are.

I think I’ve been haunted by a demon or pretty close. Although its really hard to know what are illusions and what aren’t at times. I know that I’ll probably be getting worst nightmares for awhile but I don’t know, I kept hearing something whispering in my ear a few days ago and I am pretty sure I have dreamt about whatever it is. Maybe it’s a demon of my mind, the poison not wanting to let me go. I think after I am fully detoxed I will be able to answer this better.

Downing liquid is probably the best thing I can do right now. I ordered groceries, lots of teas, sparkling water, and veggies that I can steam. I am pretty sure my tummy is going to go through a rough couple days. My shits smell like acetone on a daily basis. I bought quite a bit of white meat too, lean protein to help keep me going. It’s honestly this or death at this point. I will be okay though. 🙂 I’m finally free. The storm is gone.

Fuck it’s only taken a year.