Have you ever had to fill out a background check of where you have lived for the past ten years? Im sure we almost all have…but how many of you have to go searching for every little clue of where you were residing in a year because you honestly can’t remember…it’s a weird feeling, like going back in time and thinking shit…how fucked up was I..it’s like watching your life on repeat, memories coming up of certain addresses. Shit…I’ve only been strait for a small part of my life, haven’t I? Well…I have managed to find twelve…I know I have had more the twelve places I’ve received mail as well.
I did some meditating last night. So the last time that I had a hypnotherapy session the therapist wanted to go more into depth with the recruiter because she said she could still feel an energy there. I kind of just brushed the thought aside because there was no feelings or anything there for him, I mean, he was a pig literally in every way. I think I realize now what it was. When I was in high school he was the first one to “break my heart,” in a sense. He took advantage of me being underage, naivety, and desperation to be loved that every teenage girl has. In a way he started to take away the remaining innocence I had left from my childhood. In my adulthood, he found me at my weakest and took the remainder of it away. The innocence not really being sexual but more just believing in happily ever after. Although, I shouldn’t believe in such naivety anyways. Happily ever after doesn’t exist, someone always feels alone at some point. I suppose in ways he saved me from that betrayal. Either way, he was the beginning and the end of my turmoil. After him I died in a way as we all know but than my daughter brought me back. I could never depend on someone else, not in a significant other type of way, I can’t not be self sufficient and have to be independent, so its not all bad I guess because I can say that I am. Karma is a bitch though, and damn, karma hit him hard.
Although shit….if I never would have met that asshole I could have had a lot better twenties.
Anyways, I tried to pinpoint where that energy was last night, but I had already taken some melatonin so I think that prevented me from getting there. It was just a realization of that dark energy that is still there that I need to get rid of.
I still don’t know what I am doing. I’m going to be 29 this month and I feel like I have wasted 29 years of my life. Time moves fast when your suffering and fighting to survive, although I have been trying to live more. I have been trying to push myself to go out more and talk to more people. In ways it seems so pointless though. I really don’t think I was meant for this world.
I am not sure if anyone who knows me other than a few close people read my blog. Hopefully no one who knows me at work, but if so, darn, but I was offered a job at a pretty large bank in a fraud department. I start July 22nd, I am very excited. I will be getting about 10 percent more an hour, 2 weeks vacation, 1 week sick leave, 10 paid holidays, tuition reimbursement after six months, benefits right away and a 401k that matches 4% and the benefits will only cost me ten dollars more per pay period. The hours will be Sunday through Thursday 330-midnight, which is fine actually because hockey is on Friday and Saturday nights and if I need to take classes on campus now I can rather than having to let go of scholarships and grants by transferring to another university. I don’t trust when I have so many doors opening and lines aligning though. I’m probably going to get cancer.