Unbreakable Kitten

I talked to an old friend yesterday about my book. I used to work with her at the post office in Bismarck when I processed mail overnights. I really liked her, she was weird but real (as many weird people usually are). I recall her telling me about her younger days when she drank a lot, I think she was adopted too. She wanted to be a playboy bunny when she was my age at the time like I did (she’s probably 10-15 years older than me). She is a good Christian, non judgmental and tries to understand people, loves pugs, doesn’t shave (yet not really any hair), doesn’t wear deodorant (aluminum) , eats all organic and all natural. Anyways, she said she was reading my book (about done I think) and a coworker clocked out and randomly sat next to her and started pouring out how she needs help because she is a bad alcoholic and suffers from an eating disorder. Her relationship is nothing but turmoil because her significant other drinks more than her. (Personally I think this is toxic and it won’t work unless they both stop drinking, those relationships are the worst, although it also sounds like he keeps her down anyways so none of it seems healthy enough to put in the effort to fix, I would say she needs to find herself). Anyways, my friend was able to help talk to her because of my book, she said it was no coincidence I published when I did. She also believes everything happens for a reason, I am not sure I believe this, but she was able to console this coworker and that is my goal with this book, to help.

At the time I published I did not really have a goal, I just wanted my story out there. Now I know my goal is to reach as many people as possible who need the assurance they are not alone and to help people understand the ones who suffer. Also to hopefully get people to not be so judgmental. I am sure there will still be readers who judge me after reading my book but that is okay, I care more about whom I can help.

It was upper body day today at the gym, I feel like the lifts that strengthen me the most are the ones I hate the most. Also, I hate pictures of my body taken, but this is something I am trying to work on. I hate it because I hate the body I have but as long as I hate it I cannot accept it and without accepting it I cannot love myself fully. I do still have some body dysmorphia, I feel like I have gained TONS of weight (roughly 30-40 pounds) since leaving the post office 1.5 years ago, but realistically I am not as big as I think I am. I am also stronger in areas than I ever was before. My BMI says I am obese but considering when I was a “healthy” weight I was purging easily 20 times a day and downing liquor like there was no tomorrow, I try to not give it much thought. I am 165 now and was 140 when quitting the B/P at the beginning of the year. I have also lost fat too since hiring a personal trainer as well as gained muscle. My body does not hurt as much either. I try to eat healthy regularly. Sure I may be “obese” now, but I am healthier than I have ever been. Also, it feels great for my teeth to not hurt non-stop. Anyways, this is a work in progress.

I am seeing Halestorm on Sunday, I am excited. This will be my second concert I’m going to fully experience. I am going with my daughters parents and our two good friends (our little hockey group). I will try to take some pictures. I will be taking next Monday off however, mainly because we will not get back till after midnight Sunday night and people at work love Game of Thrones…and no way in hell am I risking people telling me what happens, especially when every Monday the first thing a coworker talks about of GoT.

I should be getting my paperback copy of my book on Friday, I am hoping it turns out the way I imagined it to be. I will probably try to vlog about it. I am trying to figure out ways to best connect with readers on a personal level.

Well…that is really all there is to write about. It’s cold and gloomy outside. I am here at work…waiting for the day to be over (yes…I am only an hour in). Well, everyone have a good day. 🙂