Be Yourself

I wonder, how many of us feel strange inside?
Do many of us feel we are too weird within?
I wonder, how many of us hide who we really are?
Do we all fear being judged if we were ourselves?
I wonder, how different I am than you?
Do I fear being judged by those whom are the same as me?
Do you fear being judged for the same reason as I?
How great could this world be….
If we all showed our true selves…

A Beautiful Day

Good Morning! Its a gorgeous sunny, deep blue sky day with not a single cloud. Its a comfortable 67 as I type with the windows open. I have my incense going with a cup of coffee right beside me, yup, its a good morning. I even got to sleep in. Last night I remembered I have today off from BOTH jobs, as long as it’s Thursday which I believe it is. So….yay…I think today will be a lot of tacos and video games.

I might have to delay my sky dive jump a couple weeks. It really depends on how finances are. I am wanting to conquer my fear of water and learn how to swim. That has an initial payment of $120. Its three payments of $120 and is 15 classes once a week from September through December. I think its a necessary skill to have, but it also gives me more options of exercising so I don’t get bored at the gym. Once school starts I won’t be working such a terrible schedule, I am just trying to work as much as possible right now. Once I am on a schedule though I want to work out again every morning. I have to keep my energy flowing. There is supposedly another stimulus package in the works, because our country can totally afford that but whatever lol. But whenever I receive that I think I will use it to skydive. Its just the swimming has longer lasting benefits.

I am being good to myself tomorrow and getting a pedicure and probably another manicure. My nails keep breaking and I think it is because I have them longer, so alas, I will sadly shorten them. I just really like them longer because they make my fingers look skinnier. The pedicure I am mega excited for. I am doing the one where they have the hot rocks. I have flat arches and they massage deep in there with the heated rocks, I love it. So, that is tomorrow.

There is really not much going on other than constant working. I am officially done apologizing to that one guy. Its for the best, I am actually very happy with it all. I started drinking when he came back into my life. Not that I am using that as an excuse, we just aren’t a good combo, not even as friends I guess. But thats okay, he is not a bad guy, we just are bad together.

I think I will end it there. I have little ambition today lol. Last night I was really struggling, but hey, I am alive and healthy. Have a good day peeps, look for the beauty in each day, even if its only small and simple, hold onto that and let it grow. Goodbye peeps!

First Tattoo

Good Morning my sunshine’s! Its been a couple or few days since I posted but thats just because I have been working both jobs and have been busy in between. I have been really good though. I am all over the withdrawals of alcohol, but it wasn’t really that bad, just more down moods. Skydiving really helped set the stage I think for success. But since I went skydiving I wanted to get a tattoo. I definitely want more now lol.

It definitely seems appropriate this day and age. I always wanted a tattoo but it just seemed too committing. Now my thoughts are well I could get Covid and be dead by next week, so, why be afraid? Nothing lasts forever, I have to enjoy everyday like it is my last. Now when I am feeling down I always have something right there to remind me why I need to be strong.

I do plan on getting a fox on my left chest area since that is my spirit animal. That I imagine will partly hurt like a bitch because it will be partially on my collar bone. After that I want a dream catcher on my left upper arm. I have a lot of scars there from bad decisions but I want the dream catcher to be like its taking that nightmare of my past away. It will have more meaning then that though because I will have certain things that represent accomplishments I have made, but also room for add on’s when I have future accomplishments. If I live that long lol, but even if I don’t, I still have today and have to look for the beauty and happiness right now. I can dream and set my sights on the horizon and do what I can to accomplish them. I guess that is life though. We have always assumed we will have tomorrow or even tonight, but the reality is we don’t. So, be happy today.

It would be a beautiful morning to skydive. Its hard to believe a week ago, at about this time, I was flying up in the air to jump off a plane. Its crazy to think about. Still one of the best things I have ever done. I have another trip set up on the 23rd. I am mega excited. I am not sure if that will be the exact date but I should be able to make the finances work for that.

There have been no urges to drink or purge. Its funny how they come hand in hand. I have been trying to eat more vegetables, but….gross lol. But hey, I am attempting. I have been sleeping a lot still but with no melatonin. I am able to calm my mind faster so I can fall asleep quicker. I am also not drinking near as much coffee. The little nicotine packs help if I feel like eating junk food. I know still not the healthiest, but they aren’t tobacco and don’t warn of cancer, since I think its like nicotine gum but in a pouch. It will do for now.

Ironically I now have to wear a mask at the liquor store. I am happy I bought the adidas one thats meant for high cardio workout. Its a lot better than the disposable ones. I still hate it but whatever. As for the guy, I apologize to him everyday on Snapchat. I think I will stop after two weeks though. Today is day ten. I think subconsciously it was intentional. I mean, obviously not intended to happen that terribly but for awhile I had told myself he wasn’t good to have around because I would always hold onto feelings and he would always reject me. He could go days without talking to me but if there was a chance he knew that I could possibly be interested in another guy he would all of a sudden message a lot and be right there. After this happening a few times I can’t say it was just coincidence. So, I can’t say its a bad thing to be away from him, I just feel cruddy how it happened.

I work at the liquor store again today, just 12-5 so an easy day. Not that any day is really hard, just yesterday I worked 9-5 and OMG I WAS SO BORED. You have to take your break earlier too because we can get random rushes during the afternoon. At least when I close I take my break at 9 so when I get back its a lot of night cleaning and stocking so time flies by. The liquor there has yet to phase me. I think I am realizing how much I hate it and myself while drinking and how much more there is to enjoy. Also, the amount of money I can spend on liquor and the bulimia that comes with it could have paid for so many skydives and tattoos, and other things Ive wanted to do. Also, I finally got a manicure because I could afford it. I don’t think about saving money for alcohol or binging session. Its nice.

Thats all for today peeps, just wanted to check in. I have to run to the store which I am not looking forward to but whatever. Have a good day! Take one day at a time and look for the beauty. Say something nice to someone too, that spreads like wildfire.

First Jump

Ok guys, so skydiving is FUCKING AMAZING! And terrifying. It is something I will definitely do again, maybe even this season because theres a discount with multiple jumps in a season. But yeah, the only words I can really come up with are terrifying, intense, and amazing. Its terrifying when you first jump off the plane and your blood is pulsing so fast through your system you get this intense high. But as your falling and let your arms out its almost comforting but still very scary. Its not like a carnival ride where you get that sinking feeling in your stomach. The air pressure is so strong against you that it feels like your on a very comfortable mattress almost. Its very loud in your ears and in your mind. And when the parachute opens its just a sudden rush of pure peace. Its so quiet, you smell the freshest air, you feel a slight breeze across your face, your literally flying with the wind. You see a whole new view of the world, one that you can’t have sitting in a plane, the world looks peaceful. You see birds flying underneath you, the sun, the deep blue sky, and the horizon. Your able to move and see it all around you. Theres so much to take in and feel that you don’t fully comprehend it all until you’ve been on the ground for awhile but when you do its just like holy shit. I dived at 8am this morning, it is now 9:30pm and I am still living that high. I have never felt anything so intensely loud but then within a second intensely peaceful. Yeah, I have a definite love for the sky.

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