War Is Brewing

Will it be Civil War, WWIII, or both?

Well, a couple days I went sober, stopped smoking weed, stopped the dieting, and stopped the purging. I wish I could keep the lifestyle I have been living in the town. It has been great to forget about reality. It is a town that is frozen in time. That doesn’t stop time from existing outside of it though.

Last month I had prayed to God to tell me when I needed to wake up, when it was time. The last three times I drank were normal, like any other, had a great time at the bar and whatnot, didn’t get wasted or anything. The first morning after I woke up and it was almost like a voice saying I needed to be alert and stay sober. It happened again and again, the third time being louder and almost saying there would be no other warning. The two times that I drank after the first warning I kept hearing in my mind I needed to stay alert and that I shouldn’t be drinking. So…I stopped. Stopped the drinking, the weed, the dieting, and the purging. I am drinking as much water as I can to clean out my system.

I am certain war is coming. Not just any war but World War III. I feel like the socialists, who obviously control the media, are trying to create civil war so we are weaker against our enemies. I have heard China is in Canada and Mexico. Trump signed the Insurrection Act for D.C. and there are many videos people are taking there of a lot of military moving in and ammo. Trump wouldn’t use all that ammo on civilians, not the amount being brought in, it would end up looking like Tiananmen Square. The capital is blocked off. I have heard military is being moved to our boarders. People who are riding Amtrak have had their routes disrupted. I have heard of airports having their planes grounded but I do not know if that was only temporary and they are allowed to fly again or not. I keep hearing military jets in the sky, I cannot see them though. D.C. went dark last night, but this was expected because there have been blackouts across the world. I see articles where leaders are changing. Not every country is going to agree with socialism (Communism). Trump woke up a lot of people worldwide and gave people worldwide the strength to start speaking up. Even if a government was Socialist, the people are starting to raise their voice and fight back. I think this is it guys. I don’t think Trump is stepping down. I don’t know how to feel if he isn’t though. That would be a completely different scenario. That scenario would be we would have a president whos family members are known to be a part of the CCP. China would be surrounding our boarders then for an easy takeover. This doesn’t make sense though because our military are primarily patriots and would do what they could to protect the citizens. It wouldn’t be easy…and Trump gave the people the strength to fight back. I suppose he has been grooming Americans to be prepared for awhile. I appreciate that, regardless if he stays our president or not.

I do not know if Jesus is coming again or not, but I feel like we are getting close. I know people have been saying that for a while now but this is the first time in history we are so interlocked and connected. I do feel we are starting the tribulation. Its been said for awhile this is a war between good and evil. I understand now what is meant by it. I will pray that if it is the tribulation that I may be forgiven. Even if it is just war and no tribulation, I will still pray, that if I do die, God will have mercy on me.

Many passages about the end of times say to pray for the lost souls, to try and bring them back to God. I would not wish Hell on anyone, even the man and boys who molested me. No…I will pray they find God and repent. I will pray that I can be forgiven by anyone whom I have hurt.

I ask you all do the same.

Pray

Happy New Year!

Well, Happy New Years peeps! So….now to be like everyone else and talk about New Year, New Me, HA!

So last year my New Years Resolutions were….Pointless to say the least. Soooooo…..

2021 Goals

  1. Get closer to God
  2. Read the Bible fully
  3. Get in better shape- this one will be tricky, but I will figure it out. Gyms are starting to open up but theres just none in the town that I live.
  4. Become financially stable- I know I can do this…provided the collapse of the dollar doesn’t happen. At least I have a career now that is in the pharma industry so if a shutdown does happen, I will very likely still be an essential worker.
  5. Positivity- While I did great this year, it was not until towards the end of the year that I truly found my happiness and positivity inside, I want this to carry on into next year but an all year type thing.
  6. Learn to swim
  7. Jump off a plane again
  8. Build stronger relationships
  9. Become an activist- I feel like this will either be patriotic or for a pro-life movement
  10. Go back to college- (I know I know…somehow have to pay off the $2k bill)
  11. Move up in my career
  12. Do everything possible to be the role model I wish my daughter to look up to

POINTLESS EWWW BLABBER

I think I am only fooling myself if I say that my love for my daughters parents has changed, it hasn’t, I would still drop everything for them and would still give up everything if it meant being a part of their lives again. I think the difference though now is I can cope with the reality better. This last year has definitely hardened my soft spots. I would like to think I would never fool myself again but I know better, I would rather live in a lie than reality. I supose that always catches up eventually.

I tried to look forward to last night. I really wanted to like the guy. For dinner I made cilantro lime shrimp tacos, they were delicious. We played cards and had a few drinks and watched some comedy. There was just no connection on my end though. I really did try. But I kept looking for faults and trying to measure him up against my daughters parents and that was not fair to him. I didn’t find that one guy from the bank too great at first though either and then I spent way too long liking him. To be fair….I think I just have a habit of chasing people till they like me then I get bored…but we connected on a lot too. We wouldn’t now though, not unless his beliefs and values have completely changed. Maybe they have, mine did, but for some reason I feel like he is a guy whom is so settled he will never change, he is in his forties anyways I think.

The first time I met my daughters parents I wanted them to touch me….why can I not find that effect with anyone else. I want to find someone that has that instant jolt like they did. And why can I not stop thinking about them? That in itself is a sin. I think….I will always be pathetic to an extent. I hope they are okay and staying strong. I imagine not having me around to remind them of regrets has likely given them more energy to get past the cancer. Even if I never see them again, as long as they get past the cancer and are okay thats all that matters.

Enough of the heart. I wish I could go to D.C. on the 6th, it won’t happen, too expensive.

I PROMISE TO MYSELF I WILL LIVE THIS YEAR

NOTHING WORTH DOING EVER CAME EASY

Oh Kateri, you can be so much better than this. Sit up straight, smile, head up, pretend you have all the confidence in the world, big eyes, and show those pretty white teeth. Submerse yourself in work, laugh, go out with friends, chat with the ole timers at the bar, don’t let your guard down, never show the sorrow, never cry over sadness but instead the happiness, and always look pretty. Be daring, go for the adrenaline, after all, it numbs the heart, go for the highs, jump off the cliff, scare yourself, let yourself be free. Heartache is just one minor piece of what makes you up, so small its almost insignificant. Your smart, courageous, brave, wise, faithful, a victim who became a survivor who turned into a warrior, a beautiful woman who’s soaked up her trauma to become unbreakable, to become a Christian, and fearless. You see, even if it were the end of the world, you would face it head on, you would never stop fighting, never give in, you have stared the devil in the eyes repeatedly, and because of that, you will always push forward. Your soul is strong, God has you and he will never let go.

New year, new me, right? No…New Year…but NOW me. I have found myself.

TREAT THE WORD IMPOSSIBLE AS NOTHING MORE THAN MOTIVATION

Pondering is not Healthy

Whenever I get a Facebook notification I keep hoping its my daughters parents adding me again. I should know better. I need to stop being so pathetic. Sadness doesn’t look good on anyone. I must do a good job at looking happy however since my coworkers seem to think I am happy go lucky. If only they knew. I am not suicidal or anything but I think I definitely understand how come everyone says “they seemed so happy,” after someone kills themselves. To have bad days with heartache is pretty normal for me, just now I don’t have to hide it.

I wish I could forget about their eyes though. I think her mom loved to use them on me. They were captivating when she would stare up at me. His eyes were often kind but when he would wake up from a nap, there was something else there. I could never figure out what though, it would be only for a second as he would open his eyelids, the softness of his face. Her touch was gentle but her hugs were strong. I wish I knew how to give love back in return. I had such a desperation to be loved at the time I only knew how to take warmth. My heart was like a black hole that was never satisfied off light. This yearning though to have them again… it is honestly probably why I will likely not find love.

I hate the anger and sadness I put on their faces. Why couldn’t I just let go? I saw their eyes after they cried, I can only imagine what their thoughts were, what they still are for that matter. Everything bad I suppose.

Maybe, there is a chance I will find happiness with someone else at least. One time when I asked my daughters mom if she was happy she asked what that really meant, because even if she was 60% happy that’s still mostly happy, therefore she must be happy. So really, I just have to find someone who makes me over 50% happy and I can say I am mostly happy and therefore, happy. Maybe that is what a good marriage really is, being over 50% happy….I am sure there is self-love that has to make up a good chunk over each individuals happiness in a happy marriage, after all, you shouldn’t have to lose your own sense of self in a marriage. But maybe you do….I don’t know. I don’t want to lose me. I have found too much of me.

Maybe…I should have never said anything about the phone number exchange. Do I have any room to be upset? Maybe we could have started to repair our relationship. Dishonesty only leads to further lies…by people whom never would have betrayed you. I guess those lies started with me, because while I was honest to my daughters mom how I felt about her in the beginning, the dishonesty for me was against her husband…I was not honest with him. I kept my feelings secret.

I have often wondered what would have happened if I had been honest with him about the way I felt about him, about both of them. I suppose we just would have ended a long time ago. He wouldn’t have put up with that, he would put his marriage first. Maybe ending everything long ago would have been easier on all our hearts.

I will do my best to fall in love with someone else. I think there is only so deep someone will be able to go, however. While many of my walls have come down…there is still that darkness inside that will exist when no one is watching. I want it to exist though. Maybe its not so much dark as its everything not acceptable, but in the back of my mind is what I yearn. Can love ever be bad? Acting on it sure, but the raw emotion itself? I would like to think not.

What if’s….dwell on them too long and you will go down a dark rabbit hole full of regret. It is not healthy to wonder…what ifs are for when no one is watching.

I had a good one on one with my new manager this morning since he is back now from his vacation. There are definitely a lot of opportunities for me to pursue. I am happy I found this place. I have to learn all that I can though because since a big pharma bought them out, expansion is sure to come. Plus once I am fully trained in there is already a good chunk of overtime available on a weekly basis.

I am really looking forward to that stimulus…even if it is only $600….that will help get me at least current on all my bills….not the collections or past due balances for things…but…still…current on primary bills will be nice. To have less financial stress would be great.

I think all in all I can say that I am a fairly happy person. Sure I have stressors, after all who doesn’t in 2020. Going through this year was horrible and many times I wanted to cry, breakdown, and punch a wall, in retrospect though, I see how much I have matured emotionally and accomplished mentally. Even if next year is worst…that is okay because I am prepared. I would hope it is better though. I am tired of surviving and dealing with trauma, it would be nice to just enjoy life where the ripples of trauma are not center focus.

I have been wondering…for many this year was horrible and people did not deal well at all. It was never just covid or politics though, everyone had something extra that seemed to go on. From a psychology point of view, I would have expected those minds already weak from P.T.S.D. to have completely crumbled…but instead…this year did the exact opposite for many of us. 2020 crumbled the supposedly healthy minds. Now I question what exactly is healthy.

I feel hungry but I am not sure if I am or not. Now that I do not use my CDL I am back to using weed for medicinal purposes. Its only been a few days however I feel a huge difference in my joints, mood, and even concentration. Even though I do not get randos I will go an get the medical card though regardless.

That’s all for today peeps, have a good one.

Trying to Move On

So I have been kind of seeing a guy I met online. Its nothing serious yet but we do seem to share a lot of beliefs and morals. He is active military, National Guard, and will be deploying in March for a year. I do not see this as a bad thing primarily because I definitely like my space. We will be spending New Years together. I have made my boundaries very clear. He has never been married, doesn’t believe in divorce, no kids, Christian, his parents have been together for about 40 years, so all good traits. We will see what happens. He is one of the very few decent men I have found however so its a good start.

I feel like I still have a broken heart. That makes it weird with dating…since the broken heart really isn’t from like a “relationship” in general. I think that’s how I know I did hold my daughter and her parents close in my heart. I am not sure though how much of the heartache is from the pain her parents caused or the heartbreak of her being my heart and not seeing her for nine months now…and never knowing when or if I will see her again. I have questioned if my heart is in any position to date, but I think at this point if it hasn’t healed it honestly probably never will and maybe I can cover up the pain with someone new if I am lucky enough for that to happen. If not…well…not all of us are deserving of a happy life.

I am enjoying my new job, I already know I will rock at it and have no problems moving up. I have to say I am a little bored right now reading through all these constant SOPs. It is to be expected though if you have ever been in a career category where that’s a thing. Yesterday I caught an error five other people missed and people were pretty impressed since it was small but significant.

I really do wish I could get back in college again. I have to pay off that 2k bill from the college. I know this time around I could do anything I put my mind too. I just have to get there. This year definitely taught me not to worry about the small crap and to not let the big shit get to me.

I wish my daughters parents would have known me after I changed…but I guess then my daughter wouldn’t exist to them. I had no standards before and let anyone do what they wanted with me. My daughter wouldn’t exist at all if I had changed sooner…so…maybe I don’t wish they wouldn’t had known me after I wasn’t messed up. Such is life I guess.

That is really all I have right now. I hope you all are doing well. Goodbye.

Awoken2020

Merry Belated Christmas, I just realized I had posted the full out truth on Christmas lol. I actually forgot it had been Christmas, I had just seen I had been deleted more on social media at the time. If any of those people are still following my blog I just wanted to explain my side too. In the end though, I would rather not keep fragile relationships in my life.

I have lost many friends and family this year due to COVID opinions and political differences. I am okay with this, because again, fragile relationships. I will not apologize for trusting my instinct and knowing when puzzle pieces do not align. Luckily….now millions in America (if not billions around the world) are waking up. I do not feel alone now and even if I was, God knows the thirst for righteousness that is in my heart.

Oh yeah, so I started a new job last week for a pharma company. They store, package, and ship vaccines and medications that are being used for clinical trials and so on. They were just bought by a worldwide big pharma company so things are changing but that makes the benefits, pay, bonuses, and ultimately promotions better. With my experience from the last bio-manufacturing plant I worked their plan is to fast track me on up. I loved driving school busses but with the shut down of sports and trips there really were no hours to be had. I can not live off averaging 20 hours a week. The managers there were pretty upset I left, which I understand because they are short handed due to Covid and will be hurting once things open up, but I have to do what’s best for me. Needless to say they weren’t exactly the nicest to me once I put in my two weeks notice, which is a bummer because one of them was like a friend, but….I guess maybe not too.

I think this year has just brought out peoples true colors because its been so exhausting people can’t hide who they really are anymore.

I see the hardening of my face, the wrinkles that have appeared around my eyes, the relaxed sadness my mouth portrays when no one is looking.

Last New Years I was hopeful for a better year and had goals, now….heading into 2021, I am realistic.

I am grateful though for my eyes being opened. I feel like I am watching the un-woken society from the outside. Lies are obvious but believed by many. People want to believe the lies though, they don’t want to face the truth. Truth is a bitch and means facing demons. Truth makes people realize just how low they can sink and how easily they can be lead astray. If we are not honest with ourselves than how can we be deserving of heaven? Love, honesty, righteousness, and everything good is God. Ignorance, deceit, hate and everything bad is of the devil. Fear is a lack of trust in the Holy Spirit.

I hope to get the anger and hurt out of my heart with my daughters parents. There are so many mixed emotions. But its deserved none the less, there has to be self accountability when one refuses to face their demons.

I have a hen boiling for a good soup tomorrow. I just ate some bacon and eggs and have a really good tasting coffee I am drinking. I am thinking of trying to make sugar free iced coffee since I hear thats all the rage right now. I still love this little town and my apartment. Damn ladybugs seem to love my apartment too, I suppose this winter has their hibernation all messed up.

Bailey and the cats are good. Bailey is pretty happy these days I can get some fresh chicken scraps for him. The cats are happy they have a bigger apartment to run in and lots of windows to look out. We are pretty happy and content I think all in all.

I should get going, lots of chores to do. I just wanted to write a less emotional post. Have a good day peeps, stay safe and pray for enlightenment.

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