Life’s Okay

We had quite the storm last night. I woke up around 3 am to the loudest thunder and what I read were 80 mph winds. My flowers are a little toppled but I think they will spring back up. I have three flowers now actually that I have grown on my own, I feel quite accomplished about that. I am not sure what they are though, I just picked what looked pretty lol.


So I am debating on casually dating my coworker if he’s interested. I couldn’t seriously date someone with kids, especially since I miss my daughter so much but theres the temporary companionship that could be very beneficial right now. We might benefit each other. Stupid guy #1 has been messaging me more these days, but he also admits that he is bored so I am not putting much thought into it. I am thinking short and sweet is the way to go and if he wants to talk about his brother I will listen as a friend, but I don’t think I will ever be able to count on him as a being a friend.


Yesterday was not a great day for keeping the binging and purging at bay but I think I found a not great but not as terrible way of helping it and that is nicotine pouches and gum. Theoretically they are safer than tobacco and aren’t as disgusting since it just tastes like spearmint and nothing else, but it calms me and the chewing gum kinda satisfies the binging part. This will have to do for now. I am going to start being more physical so that should get my energy flowing so there is less chance of needing to b/p. Your Super products have really helped my body bounce back from when I give in.


My daughters mom has been in the hospital again, they think she has pneumonia in her right lung. They drained fluid the day before last. She just can’t catch a break. She really needs one too.


So when I say I am going to be more active, this is totally true. For one thing, not only will I be driving school busses, I am now hired on to help with landscaping around the schools grounds and during the school year am now hired on full time for maintenance and cleaning around the school. With the whole Covid thing the schools will have to be sanitized a lot. So I probably will not apply for the behavioral tech yet, maybe in the future, but warming up to kids first might be a good first step. I do plan to start going to the gym too. I was hoping Bailey and I could get a walk in this morning but it’s still raining. But we will see if we can.


I have my air breaks, passenger, and school bus permit test this morning. I am fairly confident I will pass. I passed the commercial one and thats technically the hard one and the guys at work have been giving me a throughly training of the air breaks and I have practiced the air breaks physical test so….wish me luck on that.


I also meet with my financial counselor this morning, its time to get serious about my life’s goals. I have come a long way but there is a long way to go.


I had the craziest dream last night though, there were creepy parts but what was cool was there was this mind test. It was like lucid dreaming I think but being in control. There was this headset I could put on and if I controlled what happened by thinking it. So I was actually thinking in my dreams. It was very detailed I remember, I can still see some of my classmates. We were a class I believe, or at a school. I remember at one part feeling scared but than relaxing myself and my breathing and it went away.


I didn’t drink at all last night, I did the night before. There is a strange comfort in it, I think it is more familiarity then enjoyment. When I worked with that guy from the liquor store the other night I had mentioned thinking I would take a break from drinking and he said that should be easy to do but I had said it would be easier to do if I could smoke weed (I can’t right now because of my new position)  but he had said I didn’t need that either. He said I didn’t need either. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who’s life is so relatable say that, usually people are in the same mindset as me. So the other night that is what I was thinking about, was that I just don’t need it. So yesterday I didn’t. I have found a doctor would will write me a note for weed though, its just pricey. It helps my joints so much though, but we will see.


I didn’t write yesterday because I was training a good chunk of the day and took a nice long nap and completely cleaned my apartment and did all my laundry. I also studied for my test so there wasn’t much time for anything else. Oh yeah, and I repotted two plants because I think I was drowning them, so they look a little rough, but I am learning! I should get today started, the eggs aren’t going to scramble themselves and the boys are hungry. So have a great day my peeps, stay positive.

Confuzzled

“I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
I want blood, guts, and chocolate cake
I wanna be a real fake
Yeah, I wish I’d been, I wish I’d been, a teen, teen idle
Wish I’d been a prom queen, fighting for the title
Instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible
Feeling super, super, super suicidal“
-Marina

I miss the winter skies. I wish time would just freeze and calm itself. I miss the world moving at my pace. The skies are so angry and sad these days. They are so off balance.


Lol, so the coworker that I have been connecting with, I am fairly sure he likes me, which isn’t what I want or need right now. It could never work with him, he has two kids and is currently living with his ex wife. He has a lot that he needs to work on. He is capable of achieving a lot, I think he just needs someone to believe in him. After all, I didn’t start achieving anything until I had friends who pushed me to be better. Do those of us who have never had a good support system or good friends, do we naturally fall in love with those that first show it? That feels too dependent.


I am feeling okay today, my mind feels slower today. Closing the store four nights in a row can really mess with the sleep schedule, but I have been sleeping so that is good. I have training for the school bus this afternoon. Turns out I don’t work every night this week, just Friday- Sunday. I am actually okay with that, after dealing with idiots this weekend I will fully enjoy the break. Also, I think maybe my coworker needs a break from me, like so he can hopefully reevaluate his thinking. I don’t think he would be a bad guy to date, he is fairly moody but I think that is just the weight of life. We are just on different playing fields.


The farmers market is coming. I am excited, farm fresh food here I come! Its next weekend I believe. I killed the food I was trying to grow lol. Oh well, next year. I think I will have to move to get a better deal apartment. They will probably keep this apartment the same price even though the value is dropping. Theres a lot of new development with nicer apartments for around the same price. I might want something closer to the school busses, or at least where I don’t have to get on a messy interstate connection in the mornings.


Thats really all I have today folks. My mind is kinda just confuzzled today, like, it just needs a break. More later 🙂

Have a good day peeps

Staying Positive

 

My sleep concoction lately has been 1/2- a full bottle of wine with a melatonin to finish knocking me out. So in the mornings I am back to coffee. I need to get off that cycle. I know I have to actually. So last night when I got home from the liquor store I made up some strong sleeping tea, took a hot bubble bath with lavender and salt, took a half a melatonin, and crashed. I probably fell asleep around 2 am and woke up a little after 11 am. I feel decent. 70 hour weeks are getting long but I volunteered to close the store every night this coming week but Thursday so I have a break before the weekend. Everything I am working this next week will be on the paycheck before my birthday and I need as much as possible for skydiving. It will be a shitty week, but afterwards I will take it easy.

Oh yeah, I think I mentioned I am going skydiving on my birthday on the 20th, but maybe not…we all know how shitty my short term memory is.


Just Chilling Before Work

Now I am drinking some green tea. I am downing liquids today. I have Palo Santo brewing since my inner energy needs some help. I already had my Super Green and Mellow Yellow drink, doubled actually. I have some Raspberry Tea cooling so I can put the Energy Bomb and Forever Beautiful in it and I have some Mud/Wtr and Magic Mushroom setting. I have a steak and pork chop thawing so I can simmer that up and will probably steam some broccoli today.


Oh yeah, I am back to eating meat. This is primarily because when I was donating plasma my iron and protein always seemed to be lower no matter how much I downed the protein and iron tablets. I am thinking maybe my body just doesn’t absorb plant based protein that well? Either way, my levels are back to normal…..so, guess I will eat hella expensive meat.

Meat is ridiculous right now and theres no point in buying a cow because the butchers are backed up till next summer. I expect seafood to go up as well since from what I am hearing from friends in Alaska the processors are getting shut down when theres a single case of Covid. Its getting a little too ridiculous for a virus with a .02-.08 death rate. I am just happy my state is all back to normal. 


Male Rant

For the ones who have followed me the last couple years you might recall a guy I met at the end of 2018. He was the first guy who ever listened to the word no. When I got the job at the bank we ran into each other again, I forgot he had worked there. Its been so complicated since then, one minute he likes me the next he doesn’t? Or he’s nice but then is a complete ass. Or he likes me but says it would never work out and says its not sustainable if I talk too much? We’ve had a couple rough falling outs since we both can be fairly vocal to each other. Honestly, he’s just a moody little bitch. I tried being there as a friend but even that he is just as shitty. His brother had killed himself a year ago, I am kinda wondering if thats why he the way he is. I think he has always been selfish though and somewhat of a player, you don’t become almost forty with almost no relationships other than one night stands or short relationships by being a nice guy. A good friend of mine said he looked like a player when I showed him to her. What kinda got me hopeful things could eventually work out though was when I had my last reading done by Kaiva she had said someone I met at the end of 2018 would be influential in my love life, or lack there of. She said I would need to learn what I do and don’t like. I am now thinking this means I don’t like the constant disappointment he makes me feel. I don’t talk to him much these days but if I don’t talk than its like he tries to say things that will get me close to him, also if he opens up about his brother I feel like an ass to just say I don’t have time. I think he is just very lost and very stressed. I will still try to be there as his friend but I don’t really think I can count on him to be mine. Which really sucks because we honestly have a lot in common and share a lot of the same values.

There was also another guy who I met at the end of 2018, the guy who’s dog has play dates with Bailey. He very clearly likes me. We were actually going on a few play dates and eating out and starting to talk a lot. He’s probably one of the nicest guys out there but I had clearly asked a few weeks back if he was single and he admitted he was. So after we started hanging out more I thought I would just ask him if he wanted to go out on a real date and thats when he said he actually did have a girlfriend sorta? Like, complicated or something. I told him how inappropriate that everything then was. He said he wasn’t trying to cheat….buuuut….if you tell someone your single and then start spending a lot of time with them…thats not exactly respectful in my eyes. So….I haven’t really talked to him since, that was a couple weeks ago now I think. I don’t like half truths.

Like, why can’t men just be honest and not so full of bullshit? Anyways…I guess Kaiva was right, definitely learned a lot of shit I don’t like. I guess Venus should be entering a certain house soon (by August?) for me where a relationship can bloom, but as for now, theres not really anyone I can think that I want it to bloom with.


Some Positivity

So I have been working with this guy at work and he is honestly really relatable. He has had a pretty fucked up life too and trying to get his shit in order. The past few nights we have closed together we’ve really started just talking about our life and shit, we work pretty well together. We close the next four nights together and I can’t say I would want to close with anyone else. I think we have become that outlet for each other to vent about shit. Its nice. Anyways, he’s already pushing me to be better, not in a judge mental way though. I think he can do a lot better too, but he is younger than me so I can kinda see where he is at because I was there a few years ago too. In ways though he is also much older than me. He works as much as possible too to stay out of trouble and keep from doing dumb shit. Anyways, its nice to have someone to vent to.


Last night was a shitty night at work, hate drunk people, but I am going to go cook my meal and relax before work again tonight. Its gross out otherwise Bailey and I would go for a walk. Its about 90 so I am assuming the pavement will be even worst. So I guess we will just snuggle and play inside. Have a good day peeps.

Last Few (a lot of) Weeks

Hello peeps. I suppose I should give a breakdown of how my life has been.


My daughters mom, my best friend, had her surgery with quite a few complications, after three weeks theres still issues. She did end up having cancer and will have to have chemo and radiation in a couple weeks. It was an extensive surgery, I believe it was about 14 hours. The doctor did a great job though. Her body just hasn’t been the most cooperative. To be bold, if she would have waiting another week for her first surgery to get her gallbladder out she would honestly be dead. When she starts her cancer treatment she will need chemo everyday for six weeks and radiation once a week for six months. I am trying to be positive for her and push her to be positive. Its kinda hard to do when I probably am not doing that well emotionally and mentally but I think texting and snaps make me look and seem very happy, which than there is nothing for her to worry about with me.


Some people have real problems, thus why I feel stupid for even feeling anything these days.


My temp job for Microsoft ended. It was decent I suppose but I am happy to have my desk back and my home as just my home, not a work space. It got too cluttered with all the work tech that I needed. Now I will be driving school busses and working for the school in between. For the warmer temps I will be helping out with landscaping. There is a good chance I will be getting overtime, so mix that with the liquor store that I got a month back, I should start doing fairly well financially. I am hoping during the school year to maybe even be a behavioral aid. We will see how that goes. I had a reiki session and another star chart reading done by Kaiva . She still insists I am supposed to help people and I am meant to nurture. So, maybe I need to help kids when I can still influence them to be better, like help them before they become broken and maybe they wont. If I became a psychologist I know I would never leave work at work and would always be disappointed, because lets face it, humans naturally give in to weaknesses, and if I became a social worker, that would just be mentally draining and honestly probably fairly traumatizing. Maybe helping kids is what I am looking for.


I know I need to quit the wine for now, I feel it starting to be a coping mechanism again. It is just hard when all the healthy coping mechanisms I was used to cant really all be used right now. It has been so disgustingly hot and muggy so I haven’t been walking. I know I need to get my energy flowing again. Purging occasionally sprouts its dumb little head but then it quickly goes away. I could see a cycle brewing though. It is also why I am trying to stay as busy as possible.

I feel like I am making excuses again. My gym is open, I can go there. I just really miss my meaningful friends and family.


Also, why do men have to be dumb? I will go into that later.


Bailey and the cats are doing well. Bailey has not really been to daycare since lockdown since I was home all day. I think now that I will be working a lot away from home I will start bringing him one to two times a week.


I meet with a financial advisor next Wednesday. Its time to get serious about all my shit. I was working with my daughters dad before COVID hit, now thats not exactly something he should prioritize right now.


I wonder when I will be able to cry again. I know its something I need to do. I just can’t. Maybe it is because there is no need to. I mean, I am just sad, I am not the one dying. I am still able to live my life as normal as possible everyday. Maybe I am just putting too much thought into my emotions.


I think that is enough for now. I close the liquor store tonight. Actually, I think in the next 8 days I will get one night off maybe. This is on top of working for the school full time. I want to go skydiving for my 30th birthday and everything I work this coming week will be on that paycheck, so might as well work my ass off for a week.

I hope you all have a great day. Try to stay positive, I honestly find pretending to be happy does help a lot.

Goodbye 🙂

 

Still Trucking Along

Hello my wonderful readers, long time eh? I wish I could say things have been going well and that is why I have not posted in weeks. It is honestly quite the opposite and just trying to hold on and be positive. I am finding though that is getting harder and harder to do as time goes on. Its starting to become very lonely without friends and family. Everyone seems to have each other but really I am realizing more and more I don’t really have anyone. Its no ones fault really, just everyone has stuff going on. I don’t really know how I should think or feel these days. Most days I want to cry and scream but I wont let myself be that weak. I just keep myself busy by working 60-70 hour weeks. I really miss my daughter. I wish I would have been able to give her one last big hug and kiss. I don’t think I have ever gone this long without seeing her. I tell myself not to be so dramatic and stupid with my feelings. I miss my best friends. I really don’t have anyone who has the time to listen or even really cares what I am feeling, so thought I would just give a small blog. I feel selfish for thinking these stupid emotions. I have it better than most. I don’t know…maybe writing shit down to no one will help. I am okay though, I’m just continuing to move forward and making financial goals and whatnot. Life should be perfect lol, but ironically it is not. I will post more,  just wanted people to know I am still here.

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