Ello

59 days sober…third day attempting to be bulimia free. Church bells ringing, mild headache, feeling empty, I am hungry, but not for any food in particular. The birds are chirping, the sky is clear, golden sunlight fills my apartment, beautiful plants hanging all around me…why do I not feel fulfilled? Am I still recovering from the emotional and mental train wreck from the last couple weeks? In retrospect, I am sure on the outside I looked determined and work focused. On the inside, however, I feel like I just had a week long screaming session in my head. It was just loud…but with nothing in particular. It was racing thoughts and stress, like ten radios on at the same time blaring. And now…it is just silence. Silence…and emptiness…at least I am getting my energy back. I am getting my energy back because my mind and emotions are not draining me. 

I want to enjoy life, is it possible though, without my daughter? I cannot center my happiness around her, it is an unfair burden to the both of us. Nor is it realistic. 

I feel bored. Bored enough to drink. Its only 10 am…how sad is that. I should go tanning, do some infrared therapy. Boredom is dangerous. 


Well….I went and gave Ashley furniture attitude about my sectional not having a delivery till the end of June and am now getting the sectional along with an office chair and reading chair on Thursday. I do not like having to give a bad persona but sometimes it works wonders. 

 I am finding if I do not eat all day I am better at keeping food down. So I think I need to only have my shakes during the day and not eat lunch. I am wondering if this is because if I eat lunch then I have to deal with the habit of eating and the wanting of purging. I just have to keep myself busy.

I did go tanning and in the infrared. I also went and bought some beautiful pink flowers for my table.

I have all of a sudden become very tired. I am going to go lose myself in anime and video games.

Goodnight yall.

58 Days Sober

Today is 58 days sober and $870 and 348 hours have been saved by not drinking. Yesterday I did not binge or purge at all. I am starting to feel like I am getting my ambition and mental clarity back. Its slow…but its there.

I realize whenever I think about my daughter I feel very sad and depressed. I have thought about reaching out to her parents but I know there is still anger inside of me at them and it would not be good to do so. She likely does not remember me anyways. They are definitely better off without me, I am sure they are very happy. The reality is is that I am toxic with loved ones, so I have no choice but to keep my distance. I really hope my daughters moms cancer is gone. I know my mom will occasionally talk to them but I do not ask. I do not want my mom to feel like she is in the middle of anything. Adoption….it could have been so good. I hope one day we can forgive each other, as for now, I will just have to pretend they do not exist. I cannot keep crying everyday to have my daughter. Regrets regrets regrets…please…if you have issues you know you need to get over…do so…please do so, otherwise you will have to live with a never ending broken heart in the end. I guarantee you…you do not want that.

The urge to drink today was very strong, it seems to be stronger lately. I am sure it is because it is getting nice out. I hate when its nice out, it reminds me too much of my daughter. I cause myself this heartache. I kept busy today cleaning, rearranging, organizing, and doing laundry. I have been watching a lot of anime too. I am doing whatever I can to keep from drinking. I did not purge today either. I think once I can get my coffee bean business going then I will be able to be busy enough to always fight the urge. The next time I see my daughter, no matter how many years it may be, I promise I will be someone she can be proud of.

Have a good evening peeps. I am going to go back to watching anime and playing video games. Escape from reality can be a good think once in awhile. Goodbye.

Serendipity

I realized something last night. I was impulsively buying food for a binging and purging session. When I tried talking myself out of it I started having the reality of this world hit me, which in turn made me extremely anxious, scared, and overwhelmed. I feel like that was the closest I have been to a panic attack in a while. I felt as if I was on the last straw. I thought about how many people have completely broken down the past year and wondered if I would be next. So I threw those thoughts aside, made myself numb, and binged and purged.

To me….this very much says I am using binging and purging as a coping mechanism for stress. I am trying to get over all the negative coping mechanisms, and when I think about it, the bulimia is the only real one that is left.

What am I without my toxic traits? Who am I? Can I really live without them? In this very broken world?

This morning I feel withdrawn but still focused if that makes sense. I feel like I am getting my energy back. I feel lost. I have always used the morning I wake up hungover after a hard night of drinking as my low point to go up from. A night full of hard liquor and uncontrollable continuous purging. What do I go up from if I do not have that? Is my low point going to be a new high point? I feel like I am losing a sense of identity with recovery. If I were a therapist I would tell my client this is completely normal because I am leaving an old comfortable self behind and opening myself up to a brand new non-familiar person.

We had two people put in their notices at work this week so I will probably be pretty busy. I am looking forward to it because it is a chance to prove myself. I promise to myself I will be the absolute best I can be, addictions or not. I will be great.

I will not realistically start the coffee business till probably May 1st. That is okay though, it gives me time to think up names. So far I have thought up Serendipity. I feel like that is more of a roasted coffee bean name…what do you think?

I wanted to get this out this morning, but it became a long busy day. I was actually supposed to have an early day out but now that we are going to be short handed I want to get signed off on as much as possible as fast as possible. So, with that, I hope you all have a good night.

Side note….after work I really wanted a drink, like REALLY. I had a disassociated spell come on. I know this is because of all the emotional and life stressors I have been under. But…I did not get a drink, rather I made a Costco run, moved my bedroom around, and am now listening to an Epstein podcast while waiting for dinner to finish cooking. So…I am proud of myself. And I did not vomit once today, granted I did not really eat anything either, just drank my shakes. But still…progress.

Have a good night my lovely’s.

Chemtrails

Lets talk about chemtrails, aka weather modification, or cloud seeding to be exact. So we all know I moved to a small town outside of the city back in November. Out where I live, Ice Crystal Engineering, is the main manufacturing hub for cloud seeding materials. I was always a “conspiracy theorist” when it came to chemtrails, now I realize I was really just uninformed. I drive by this building every time I leave or come in to town. When I was at the bar a couple months ago I had randomly brought up chemtrails and one of the guys at the table had laughed because the main hub for cloud seeding was literally next door. In fact, the manager bought me a drink too. He was just a regular guy in a small farming town, who helps make it rain.

This also made me think about vaccine conspiracies. We all know I am in charge handling drugs being used in clinical trials, and before this I worked for the company that produced mRNA such as CRISPR. People think we are so top level security extravagant….but…we are not. I am just a normal person. I suppose this is the same train of thought I had before I realized the non-extravagantness of the building and people who manufacture the products for cloud seeding.

But now, my question is, is it wrong? Is it wrong to modify the weather? Many would say we are playing God, many others would say we bring rain to drought stricken areas. The ones whos opinions are invalid because they are flat out wrong would say we are intentionally spraying chemicals into the air to control people.

I do not believe there is a right or wrong answer because the world is not black or white, it is grey. In my opinion we live in a complicated and fragile world. So fragile of a world that a virus that is not deadly in the realm of viruses, key words, in the REALM of viruses, can almost cause a worldwide global economic collapse. Imagine if the virus did have a high mortality rate? Imagine an even closer potential catastrophic danger and that is food shortage. The pandemic has definitely caused issues with food production and transportation, but imagine if there was no food to process? We were looking at major drought and there was no rain in the forecast for weeks. A few days ago the planes were spraying and now we have had rain for two days and will for a few more. We were already feeling the effects of the drought with fires due to high winds and low winter precipitation. When I was driving home last week I was pretty much going through a dust bowl. Some areas were hard to see because the topsoil blowing was that thick. Is it playing God to make it rain? I do not know…I just know I am very thankful for the people who have helped make it rain.

Today is 56 days sober, I did not feel like talking about anything depressing with the eating and drinking and whatnot. I annoy myself when I talk about my issues. I cannot stand complaining, and when I talk about my problems I legit cannot stand myself. So, I hope this will suffice. Have a good day!

Stay Positive

I am 55 days sober, $825 and 330 hours saved. We will just say day 1 bulimia free. That is okay though, I am hopefully going to see someone who can give me a new perspective of how to go about handling it. I see my doctor today about the headaches, as long as it is not an ear infection I will just contribute it to my body not handling vomiting that well anymore.

Being in MSM side of social media, I often have countless inspirational posts flood my feeds. While each one believes themselves to be unique preaching strength, unity, and perseverance, I find them all quite boring and quite the opposite of their intended purpose. I feel like they are all on repeat….repeat after repeat after repeat…go after your dreams! Step out of your comfort zone! Join me and you will be successful! I never believed I could do it until I faced my fears! It all sounds like privileged bullshit to me….privileged sheep. Because you see….they always cost money to get started. Chances are if you are struggling or in a certain class….then so are your peers. Selling these products will not get you to financial freedom unless you are able to convince others into buying, selling, and promoting. They will definitely make you money however if you are in an already middle class or have the money to waste because chances are your groupies will too. If you want to be a person in a low class who actually does succeed in such a field, you will have to play your cards right and really stand out. How to do this? Hell if I know lol. But the reality is, if you are low class, you are already on a path to fail in this field.

I miss my daughter a lot. I think I will not realistically have anything to do with her till she is older and she can make the decision on her own to have me in her life. Her parents are very much media based and I have a pretty good feeling they will not let me see her unless I am vaccinated. They also seem to do things in spite of me. It would not be good for us to have a relationship. For the longest time I blamed everything on myself but none of it was ALL my fault. Sometimes I do wonder what would have happened if I would have chosen the other parents, would life be more stable for my daughter? The other potential parents looked very confident. The fact I was able to bond with my daughters parents so quickly should have been the first red flag. At the time I bonded with everything broken, weak, toxic, or insecure. They are good parents regardless. Just when I reflect now with where I am at with recovery and how I am able to decipher my relationships…getting too close would be something I would watch out for now. Well, what’s fucked up is fucked up.

The Profile by Sanford is going fairly decent, I am happy I always have a consumption schedule to fall back on after purging sessions. I am thinking of contacting the Sanford hospital itself since they have a special program for eating disorders. Right now I am looking at a private therapist. Maybe it will be cheaper too.

My emotions today are slightly upbeat. I told myself I was going to wake up in a good mood. I didn’t quite do that but I did get myself there even though I was running late. I need to stop going to bed late. I know I need an adequate amount of sleep otherwise it messes with my ability to combat the BPD mood swings. I just let my mind get to running and give in. I need to stop doing that.

I am going to try to get in a clinical trial. It is a pretty simple medication, its for ADHD and overeating. It will be pretty easy to flush it from my system. It is about $1,400 for two full day stays. I refuse to stay in debt, I refuse to let life break me. I have too much going for me. I WILL get out of this low class, I REFUSE to stay poor forever!

I really need to schedule a dental appointment….I just really hate it….they hurt my teeth. I mean, my teeth and gums already hurt and I really need to get that stupid cavity filled before its a dang root canal….but….still…it hurts so bad when they touch my teeth. This is why I need to get better, I cannot lose my teeth. I know the more I age the more my bulimia is destroying me faster. I will absolutely recover.

I hope I did not blabber too long. Have a good day peeps, stay positive, remember….pessimism is not reality. Reality is a combination of good and bad, optimism and pessimism are merely personal outlooks, only you can control how you view life.

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