First Tattoo

Good Morning my sunshine’s! Its been a couple or few days since I posted but thats just because I have been working both jobs and have been busy in between. I have been really good though. I am all over the withdrawals of alcohol, but it wasn’t really that bad, just more down moods. Skydiving really helped set the stage I think for success. But since I went skydiving I wanted to get a tattoo. I definitely want more now lol.

It definitely seems appropriate this day and age. I always wanted a tattoo but it just seemed too committing. Now my thoughts are well I could get Covid and be dead by next week, so, why be afraid? Nothing lasts forever, I have to enjoy everyday like it is my last. Now when I am feeling down I always have something right there to remind me why I need to be strong.

I do plan on getting a fox on my left chest area since that is my spirit animal. That I imagine will partly hurt like a bitch because it will be partially on my collar bone. After that I want a dream catcher on my left upper arm. I have a lot of scars there from bad decisions but I want the dream catcher to be like its taking that nightmare of my past away. It will have more meaning then that though because I will have certain things that represent accomplishments I have made, but also room for add on’s when I have future accomplishments. If I live that long lol, but even if I don’t, I still have today and have to look for the beauty and happiness right now. I can dream and set my sights on the horizon and do what I can to accomplish them. I guess that is life though. We have always assumed we will have tomorrow or even tonight, but the reality is we don’t. So, be happy today.

It would be a beautiful morning to skydive. Its hard to believe a week ago, at about this time, I was flying up in the air to jump off a plane. Its crazy to think about. Still one of the best things I have ever done. I have another trip set up on the 23rd. I am mega excited. I am not sure if that will be the exact date but I should be able to make the finances work for that.

There have been no urges to drink or purge. Its funny how they come hand in hand. I have been trying to eat more vegetables, but….gross lol. But hey, I am attempting. I have been sleeping a lot still but with no melatonin. I am able to calm my mind faster so I can fall asleep quicker. I am also not drinking near as much coffee. The little nicotine packs help if I feel like eating junk food. I know still not the healthiest, but they aren’t tobacco and don’t warn of cancer, since I think its like nicotine gum but in a pouch. It will do for now.

Ironically I now have to wear a mask at the liquor store. I am happy I bought the adidas one thats meant for high cardio workout. Its a lot better than the disposable ones. I still hate it but whatever. As for the guy, I apologize to him everyday on Snapchat. I think I will stop after two weeks though. Today is day ten. I think subconsciously it was intentional. I mean, obviously not intended to happen that terribly but for awhile I had told myself he wasn’t good to have around because I would always hold onto feelings and he would always reject me. He could go days without talking to me but if there was a chance he knew that I could possibly be interested in another guy he would all of a sudden message a lot and be right there. After this happening a few times I can’t say it was just coincidence. So, I can’t say its a bad thing to be away from him, I just feel cruddy how it happened.

I work at the liquor store again today, just 12-5 so an easy day. Not that any day is really hard, just yesterday I worked 9-5 and OMG I WAS SO BORED. You have to take your break earlier too because we can get random rushes during the afternoon. At least when I close I take my break at 9 so when I get back its a lot of night cleaning and stocking so time flies by. The liquor there has yet to phase me. I think I am realizing how much I hate it and myself while drinking and how much more there is to enjoy. Also, the amount of money I can spend on liquor and the bulimia that comes with it could have paid for so many skydives and tattoos, and other things Ive wanted to do. Also, I finally got a manicure because I could afford it. I don’t think about saving money for alcohol or binging session. Its nice.

Thats all for today peeps, just wanted to check in. I have to run to the store which I am not looking forward to but whatever. Have a good day! Take one day at a time and look for the beauty. Say something nice to someone too, that spreads like wildfire.

First Jump

Ok guys, so skydiving is FUCKING AMAZING! And terrifying. It is something I will definitely do again, maybe even this season because theres a discount with multiple jumps in a season. But yeah, the only words I can really come up with are terrifying, intense, and amazing. Its terrifying when you first jump off the plane and your blood is pulsing so fast through your system you get this intense high. But as your falling and let your arms out its almost comforting but still very scary. Its not like a carnival ride where you get that sinking feeling in your stomach. The air pressure is so strong against you that it feels like your on a very comfortable mattress almost. Its very loud in your ears and in your mind. And when the parachute opens its just a sudden rush of pure peace. Its so quiet, you smell the freshest air, you feel a slight breeze across your face, your literally flying with the wind. You see a whole new view of the world, one that you can’t have sitting in a plane, the world looks peaceful. You see birds flying underneath you, the sun, the deep blue sky, and the horizon. Your able to move and see it all around you. Theres so much to take in and feel that you don’t fully comprehend it all until you’ve been on the ground for awhile but when you do its just like holy shit. I dived at 8am this morning, it is now 9:30pm and I am still living that high. I have never felt anything so intensely loud but then within a second intensely peaceful. Yeah, I have a definite love for the sky.

Change

Okay, well, I cant realistically leave the liquor store. I am guaranteed my hours there and I can’t realistically wait three weeks for a first paycheck from a new place. So, I am going to try it out. Honestly my mindset right now is that I feel so like a piece of shit and hate who I am when drinking that I am hoping that will keep me from wanting a drink. Right now the idea repulses me but I did tell my manager that if a time comes where I do crave a drink and think it will be a problem working there I will have to be done. So we will see. I hate who I am drinking, I just have to hold onto that thought I guess.

I had a friend text that one guy telling him I did apologize on Snapchat, he has yet to look but thats really all I can do. I don’t expect a reply but if he knows how sorry I am thats really all that matters to me. Live and learn I guess, I have to come out better than before and I promise to myself I will.

So my skydive tomorrow, I am putting meaning into it as I have mentioned. As I jump I will leave the old me behind and as I touch the ground it will be a new beginning. I have to be better. I have to be better for my friends and family, and most of all I have to be better for my daughter, because I want her to know most of all that all struggles can be overcome. Sometimes you will fuck up more than once but as long as you learn and become a better person thats all that matters in the end. I don’t want to die with regret.

I have always needed someone to lean on. I have never been strong enough to believe in myself or even love myself. Maybe thats why I started drinking during Covid, because I was alone and had to face my own leftover demons, but I didn’t. Instead I tried to drink them away but that never works, does it? I have always used my daughter and her parents as my strength but thats not fair to them and too much pressure really. I have a lot of inner strength I need to build and not only that I have to learn to love myself. I promise myself I will get there. Life is too short not to. I don’t expect a change overnight, its a process. Babysteps, I have to learn how to live on this side. I jumped and made it and the new world was scary. I have never had the coping mechanisms to live on the other side, and I thought they would just come once I made it, but they don’t. Life is a learning process. I will be better, and I know I will fuck up sometimes, but with every fuck up I promise to myself I will be better than who I was the day before.

The change starts now.

I am only on a break but am working a 13 hour shift, so this is all I have time to write. Thank you my readers for reading. Be better than who you were yesterday, forgive yourself, love yourself, baby steps, trust your spirit to guide you, and be strong. Do this all for yourself.

Change starts with regret I guess

So, I am sure many are dying to know how I’ve fucked things up, but maybe that was a little dramatic. I haven’t fucked everything up yet but honestly have probably come fairly close. So, lets just be real here.

I have been wanting to quit drinking for awhile now, very strongly at least a month, but two to three months building up. I am honestly not sure what happened. I mean, I do know, I let drinking be a coping mechanism. A coping mechanism for stress, loneliness, and anger. Financial stress, family health stress, loneliness of not seeing loved ones, and anger because of that and because of how fucked up the world has become. But I guess inside I figured if I wasn’t hurting anyone then who cared. I shouldn’t have to hurt someone in order to stop but I guess regret can break you or change you. I wont let it break me, but I do feel bad.

To explain more, the guy I met at the end of 2018, ya know, the one where it’s literally all over the place. I can’t say what happened is a bad thing in the long run because realistically we would just continuously disappoint each other. Well, I have been binge drinking quite a bit lately and therefore I am irritable and totally not myself. Well, him and I have very conflicting views on masks. I do not want to wear one, my anxiety goes up with it plus I want to be exposed, I have lived with no immune system before because of a lack of exposure and I don’t want that again. I can go deeper into this some other time. Well, anyways, on my birthday he brought it up and I got upset, more than I should have but thats what alcohol does to a person. That was Monday, and so Wednesday I just reamed on him, because once again, liquor. He didn’t deserve it at all and I said some terrible things I think, I honestly can’t remember. But of course I deleted him and his messages and told him to never talk to me again and he took it pretty seriously, which, he should have because he didn’t deserve that. I remember him begging me to be safe so that honestly makes me feel even shittier. Ive tried to apologize on Snapchat but unless they accept your friend request they cannot see anything, and I am not sure how often he checks for requests. I don’t deserve for him to talk to me again, but I do hope he eventually knows how sorry I am. I can’t say it was all irritation from the mask, I know there was a build up of the heart ache he has caused me as well and the continuous rejection. Anyways, its something I handled in a very negative and childish way. I am confident I will never hear from him again, but maybe its for the better, who knows, I probably caused him more trouble than anything.

I put my resignation in the for liquor store as I’ve mentioned, I have a buddy who works at a fast food place who is going to try to get me a job there. It pays a dollar more than the liquor store and closes earlier. He is fairly confident I can get the hours that I need. I am not fond of the idea of smelling like grease but its only part time. Also only the drive thru is open so no real direct customer service. But I won’t be surrounded by liquor so thats really all that matters.

Well, when the numerologist gave me a reading she said year 30 would be death, but not in a bad sense. Kaiva has given me a tarot reading and a start chart reading talking about how 30 starts a change in my life. Well…..most definitely it has, I wish it was better. But thats my own doing so I just have to hope to be better.

I am jumping off a plane at 8am on Sunday morning. I am going to put a lot of meaning into this jump. Its going to be the first positive adrenaline rush I have ever given myself. It has to be a new chapter.

Well peeps, I just wanted to get what I did off my head. I mean, its not really off my mind at all but time will heal regret if I allow it to. I am going to go to bed. Have a good night.

Sobriety again I guess

Well peeps, I just cant seem to stop fucking up. I put my notice in for the liquor store today. Its a bummer because I quite enjoy working there but theres too much temptation to down all the liquor and I am giving in a lot. Theres no enjoyment in it, I am just binge drinking and therefore I am purging non stop. I miss the person I was before when I was sober. I was laying out my spiritual foundation, exercising, eating right, reading, drawing, playing video games, like I was enjoying life. Why is it so easy to get back into the downward spiral? My moods definitely suffered too. I hurt a friend. I knew I was going to spiral too, I felt it coming but couldn’t stop it. Its like I needed to get there before I could stop. Well, lets start sobriety over again I guess. At least now I know I can’t take a six month break and expect to be better, no, the spiral will come back the moment I take that drink.

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