I Will Suceed

Disassociation, when my mind tells me no….I don’t want it…I want to be better…I break away, feel nothing, and succumb to the habit.

I know I will regret the drink in the morning, yet I do it anyways. Every morning, even if I am not sick, I still wish I wouldn’t have. All day I have been thinking since I have having a four day weekend it would be great to just buy a box of wine…but what a waste of a life. Its exhausting always trying to recover.

How sick am I…I ate some ribs and mac and cheese for lunch, nothing over the top, I actually threw some of the mac and cheese away. I went to go wash my hands and was not thinking of much, I was fairly certain someone was in the bathroom. Anyways…when I was drying my hands off I stepped back and realized I was the only one in there….my first immediate thought was oh this would be a great time to vomit. I did not have any intention of doing such a thing…nor did I. It was just an automatic response of “oh hey, this would be a grand opportunity!” Like….what the hell Kateri.

I had a revelation this morning. Okay it wasn’t really a revelation but a podcast I listen to about sobriety. I know I have mentioned before I can be good all day and eat and drink normally but when I get home I have this unimaginable thirst to drink….even though I don’t want to, same with eating and purging. I have mentioned it feeling like an out of body experience but I guess in an essence that’s what it is. Its not the craving of alcohol and purging I am feeling but rather the craving of the habit itself. When do I normally drink and purge? In the evenings….because that is often the time of day I do such things. I have heard this mentioned before with trauma, like the time of day you were abused is the time of day you often feel the worst, till you get over the trauma of course.

To break a habit I need to replace it. Mind, body, and spirit, these are all connected. I can have all the faith in the world and mentally want to quit, but if I do not take care of myself physically, then I am already doomed to fail. Same can be said if I don’t take care of myself mentally but I do physically. There has to be the balance. All I am missing is the physical part. I have to be better.

I am not insane, I am not a failure, I am only determined to get better and be the best I can be. Who is that woman I wish to be? She is a good Christian, confident, kind, empathetic, strong inside and out, healthy, sober. She is a leader, a role model, a preacher, fearless, and righteous. Eventually she will be a mother, a grandmother, and maybe even a great grandmother. By Gods grace she will succeed.

I am only a failure when I give up….I refuse to do so.

Just Stop

My fathers uncle fought in World War II. He was a captain for the boats that dropped soldiers off at the Banks of Normandy. I am not sure how familiar many are with the event, after all I know more and more schools in America are getting rid of teaching such things. Anyways, he blamed himself for the death of every single soldier who he dropped off. I imagine there were many…too many…..there were no breaks from what I understand. He would pick soldiers up and drop them off at their grave…over and over…and over again. After my great uncle served, he went home and spent the remainder of his days sitting in a corner reading fairy tales.

Our beautiful minds….they were not meant to experience such horror…will the games ever stop?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result…I wonder….how many of us suffer from the lack of sanity. It is easy to get stuck in the time warp.

“Today I will be healthy! Today I will get better! Today I will keep food down. Today I have been sober two weeks! Today has been a month! Today one drink wont hurt. Today I can handle this. Today I will be healthy…today today today….”

Insanity…drinking, drugs, dieting, eating disorders…other faults…there is a fine line between determination and insanity….am I trapped on repeat?

On a major scale….politics, war, conquering…this world is on repeat….

Sitting in a corner…day after day….

Just stop….

Maybe that is the answer to everything

Please just stop

Failure In the Making

25Jan2021

Hey guys! So I am going on 9 days sober! And to be honest, yesterday was fucking horrible. I did not drink but wow talk about cravings and needing anything to numb the thirst. I of course knew to expect this. I have always filled the empty void with food and liquor. This is where I need to develop healthy coping mechanisms.

Needless to say yesterday was full of binging and purging. There was absolutely no satisfaction, even as the food was going in my tummy. I actually barely even felt it. There was not even a fullness. It felt like I was trying to fill up a bottomless pit. I felt like I was watching myself from the outside eating and purging, eating and purging….disassociating I am sure.

I know I need to feed the bulimia recovery. I feed my faith by reading the Bible, praying, and studying the Bible. I feed the sobriety by listening to podcasts about sobriety and reading about sobriety. Now I must somehow find a way to feed the bulimia recovery. I think feeding the sobriety will help the bulimia but I also know that there has to be more of a physical feeding to combat the bulimia. I know I need to start working out. The school next to me has their gym open to the public so when I can afford that I will join. Its actually only $100 per year, so less than $10 a month. That is the only place to work out in this town.

I am realizing a lot of my addictions are based off pure boredom. Its like I almost don’t know how to enjoy life without some kind of substance. I know I need endorphins, that high feeling. That is why I enjoy jumping off planes, or being scared by horror movies, or being high. Addictive personality…its fun.

There is heartache too mixed in with my drinking and purging. I know as long as I have feelings for my daughters parents I really can’t have anything to do with them. I try not to, I pray a lot for them to go away. I am toxic to them as long as the feelings exist. I can’t do that to them nor my daughter, I can’t risk my daughter losing a stable family again. In a sense I blame myself for her moms troubles. I do believe God makes us suffer for bad enough sins. Her mom betrayed her marriage under God. I take the blame though because if I never would have acted on my feelings then she never would have been tempted. If she never would have been tempted then she never would have done what she did. If it weren’t for the alcohol I probably would have never acted on my impulses, I would have been able to think straight. Alcohol makes me selfish and everything bad. I deserve the heartache. I deserve what her mom is going through as well, I guess God must see it differently.

I slept a ton this weekend. Friday night, 11 hours, Saturday almost 8 hours, and last night 7.5 hours, it was honestly amazing. I feel so exhausted and like I can sleep forever. I know that is the alcohol brain wearing off and my body getting back in rhythm. I also know the bulimia is knocking my electrolytes off and that is not helping. Normally alcohol sugar would combat this….not healthy. I will take it easy on myself though, I always want to rush myself but recovery takes time.

I really wish I could get back into college. I owe $2,700 since when I withdrew my student loan was reversed. I suppose it is whatever. Someday I will be rich lol. Probably not now that we have a racist as hell president who somehow managed to fool half the country that he loves minorities….and don’t let me get into the vice president

27Jan2021

Yeah, I did not sleep well last night but that is okay. I still got enough sleep. I binged and purged when I got home but I was fine at work all day. Today I am eating fine at work too. I think I just have bad habits. Last night I really wanted a drink but it wasn’t until after I purged so I am almost certain I wanted the sugar alcohol.

28Jan2021

I wonder….if I will ever get past these feelings. As long as I have them I cannot reach out to my daughters parents. I have tried to change them to hate and anger but that only makes me feel cruddy and gives me more of a heart ache. I am trying to submerse myself in work. The more stress the better to be honest. I just have to fake it till I make it. Fake being happy till I am. Fake I know what I am doing till I do. Fake being confident till I am. Fake I have my shit in order till I do.

Oofda…too much caffeine, talk about heartache hurting more. Ugh the anxiety. Blerg. I didn’t get much sleep last night because I got up early to donate plasma. I combatted that with a large coffee with three expresso shots….and considering I have really cut back on caffeine I am on the verge of either a heart attack or anxiety attack.

The need to drink in the evenings is rough. I know it is my electrolytes being off balance.

Today

Well….I failed last night and drank. I am honestly just plain upset at myself. I am anxious today, slightly hungover, have a horrible tummy ache, and just feel ashamed. It was a rough purging session too. I know better. Damnit.

Drinking fools me to think it numbs the heartache but it doesn’t. I didn’t even want to drink…I was driving to the liquor store and just felt so dissociated and numb. Its like I was telling my brain I did not want to drink but it just didn’t feel anything. And then I of course binged…but even that…as I was buying food I just wasn’t feeling anything. I was feeling tired too and just wanted to go to bed…but no…my stupid stupid mind.

I know what I need to do…I know the coping mechanisms I need to work on. I know how I should proceed when I am disassociated. I know I need to ask God for help. I have dissected my entire brain and know why I do what I do and the ripple effects. Really I just need to learn discipline. I get lazy.

Well….what is done is done. Breath and try again. I refuse to give up. I need to make a plan to combat the moods I get in.

Sorry friends.

Day 3 Sober and Such

So this is my third day of sobriety, clean, eating normal, and no purging. My mind is foggy, my mouth has a weird sweet taste to it, and I feel semi bloated but not terrible. The scale has pretty much stayed the same but I do not know if I should even be looking at it. I have obviously been here many times before. The last time, even though I had God, I did not accept the fact that I was done. I have to feed the sobriety just like I do addiction. Therefore I am listening to podcasts and doing interpersonal therapy at home. I highly recommend doing this if you are trying to stay sober. There are a lot of therapists out there who are willing to give their therapy for free.

I am trying to figure out a game plan with all the uncertainty with the future. We all know I like to be prepared for different scenarios, however that is near impossible right now because I do not know the future and there are a hundred ways life can go. I suppose I never knew what the future held to begin with but it at least used to seem a little more hopeful. Maybe though….it was always a false hope. I put all my hopes and wants in this world rather than the one that mattered. Maybe there is no point to a game plan.

I do wish I would have appreciated life more and the time spent with loved ones. What’s done is done I guess.

Regardless what happens, I have made my peace with God. I understand now that as long as I keep my faith in him and trust him I will be saved. This world is not the one I care to be saved in, but rather eternal salvation. This world is the devils playground. As a follower of Christ it is my duty as his servant to spread the word of God in hopes souls that have strayed away will find him again. While many might deem this pointless and lack hope in the lost souls, from personal experience I can say it is 100% possible for people to find their way back. We all know how much of an atheist I was and how much I mocked anyone who followed him. I never want to live without Christ again.

Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may rant them repentance lading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will. (2 Timothy 2:22)

Love and understanding is how to lead people to God. This though is kind of challenging for me as I can understand but I also just get tired of people. Maybe that means I do not understand enough? I do not like listening to peoples problems, it annoys me. Shit, reading back on my blogs I annoy myself. I cannot even read my book because I want to tell myself to just shut up and get over it.

Essentially that is what people need to do to overcome trauma. Just get over it. Although I remember being told to do this and then feeling offended because I did not think anyone could understand.

Okay I am annoying myself again.

This next administration is going to finish bringing in the devil to America, and down shall we fall. I am afraid the birthing pains may be ending and the first seal shall be released, Communism.

Then I saw when the Lamb broke one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures saying as with a voice of thunder, “Come.” I looked, and behold, a white horse, and he who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer. (Revelation 6)

Oh well, what is meant to be will be.

Maybe…nothing will happen. Nothing can only last so long….we are just prolonging the inevitable. Either people fight back against Socialism or we succumb.

I feel like we have been living in 1984 longer then I realized, it just doesn’t even bother getting hidden now.

My mind is blah today. I suppose that is normal for where I am at with the sobriety and whatnot. I am taking tomorrow off but now I am debating on if I should work. I do not think anything happening to civilians is realistic, not yet. If Biden is sworn in tomorrow I am not sure there will be a World War but worldwide civil wars against with wars against the establishment. Does that make it a World War? Essentially if America sides with China and Russia than no other country stands a chance against communism. I am not sure if Russia even needs to be in there. I am also not a fan of the Vatican. Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. The pedophile ring surrounds the churches and elite. I guess at this point the Catholic Church might as well be considered the elite. When I say I am Catholic I mean from the beginning with what Jesus preached, before the devil took over. No one can say we are no in intense times worldwide.

That is really all I have for now. I am going to keep drinking water and stay hydrated. Have a good one peeps. Repent, while the end times may not be near, your time very well could be. Be ready. I love you all.

Pray

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